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[quote=Anonymous]DD (13) has a friend Larla - she often makes rude comments, and everyone calls her out on it, and they move on. She can also be "annoying" like: saying she's about to faint when teammates are working much harder (she's completely fine); lying about having the inside scoop about things at school that result in hurt feelings (i.e. who's making a team or getting into honor society, etc). The other kids will often say "Larla, please stop."

A recent example-- A boy says to a girl: "You're so photogenic, you look great in every picture, for real." The girl just says thanks but on the inside is so flattered and happy. Larla then says, "No, she's not photogenic. You're not photogenic. You don't look good in pictures at all." Then DD or someone will say, "Larla, that's not true and it's not nice." They do NOT then exclude her, or write her off as terrible. DD says sometimes, she's fine and they have fun. They try their best to stay friends and speak up for themselves and have boundaries. It is what it is.

DD's friend "Ann" invited DD over to her house. They discussed whether they should include Larla. If Larla found out about it, she would be mad and/or annoyed. So - they did include her. And she was super annoying the whole day. DD said, "it would have been so much more fun if Ann didn't invite Larla. But whatever."

It is really easy to imagine Larla's mom posting on DCUM - if she hadn't been invited, "they spend SO much time together at school, they are GOOD friends, and then they just EXCLUDE her?" I'm sure Larla's mom thinks Larla is sweet as pie. (Though she's no dummy and I think would admit to some of Larla's behavior if ever pressed.) I feel like DCUM is always like "Teens suck! What are their parents thinking! There is no excuse for this!" (I am probably guilty of this too!) When really, Larla is the mean one. I am not saying my DD and Ann are perfect, but this group of kids (theatre kids) is pretty darn nice and it is well known that Larla can say terrible things.

Are DD and Ann supposed to not spend time just the two of them, or lie about it? Should they not be friends with her because she can be mean? That would be exclusion - if suddenly they didn't eat lunch with her or sit with her at activities, right? And they don't do that. I think the adults here posting themselves don't spend time with "friends" who are mean and annoy them. Why do we expect more of kids? When is it exclusion and when is it self-preservation? How far are kids supposed to take the "be kind!!" adage? At some point, is this toxic positivity? These are honest questions, I'm curious what you all think.[/quote]

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