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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is a bit raw for me. I don't have examples of the nature as the PP above who has dealt with residential mental health treatment and criminal activity (hugs to you), but I probably cry 3-4 times a week due to the way my DD treats me. This may make me sound weak, but she just...has this burning need to lash out at me. She has inattentive ADHD and anxiety and I think she masks so much that it's just all unleashed on me. She's also just insecure after years of comparing herself to her sibling, who is more successful (in conventional terms - i.e., grades, sports, etc.). I used to let her see me cry, but that obviously wasn't helpful (she then felt awful about herself after, and the situation would spiral). Now, I just call her on the behavior and go behind closed doors to do it. I seem glimmers of improvement, but in the end she just cannot be nice to me. She's too focused on herself to understand how her words hurt. And yes, I talk to her about it. She knows she does it. She says she can't stop herself. It's BS, but it's where we are. So, many days, I cry. I know it's not personal, but it hurts nevertheless.[/quote]

As a grown woman with inattentive ADHD, I honestly urge you with vehemence to punish her for this behavior.

I understand her neurodiversity might mean she tends to be more reactive, but she CAN'T take her frustrations and moods out on other people.  You are raising her to be a functional grown woman, not just to survive her teen years.  If she can only cope now by lashing out with the person most important to her, but also "safest" to her, she will do it as an adult...to future partners, spouses, roommates, even children.

Yes, masking is exhausting.  Yes, not measuring up to her other sister sucks.  But developing a self-concept as a person who is cruel to her mother also sucks.  It is NOT your job to protect her from the consequences of her cruelty (seeing you cry).  It's your job to help her STOP coping with stress by verbally lashing out.

I know it's hard.  It might require an ADHD coach or really good family therapist who is an expert in ADHD and doesn't think it's okay to continue this behavior with her disability as an excuse.

Cruelty is cruelty, even if you're strong enough to "take" it.  It won't be limited to you in the future.  Stop raising a cruel person.  I know you don't mean to and I know you're empathetic to her struggles.   But don't let your empathy ruin her.  Honestly....a self-concept as a cruel person is toxic to the heart.  It will
Do more of a job on her self-esteem than executive functioning failures ever will.  Don't let her get away with it.  [/quote]

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