Reply to What to say to someone who has lost a child.

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[quote=Anonymous]That's a beautiful poem.

I also lost a child, and I liked a lot about that article.  There was one thing that didn't resonate and it was the advice to say this:

“Say: ‘I totally understand if you don’t feel up to attending. [b]I’m not sure I could attend if I was in your shoes.[/b] But we just want to let you know how important you are to us and we totally understand, whatever you decide,’”

I absolutely agree that grieving parents should be invited, and also be given grace if they don't come.  But, at least in my house we had one parent who was absolutely flattened by grief (my DH) and another (me) who managed, for the most part, to get up and put my pants on, and sort of kind of approximate putting one foot in front of the other, because I had two other kids who desperately needed me to make them dinner, and get them out of the house.  This seemed to lead many people to conclude that my DH loved my son more.  So, on top of all the guilt I was already feeling, about my kid suffering and dying, and the guilt I was feeling because all I could manage to feed my kids was pbj, I was also made to feel like making that pbj was an act of disloyalty.  I know that no one would intend that sentence to mean "I wouldn't be able to do X if I was you", but I would have heard it that way.

I'd say "We'd love to have you there, but we absolutely understand if you don't make it."  and leave speculating about what you'd do out of it. [/quote]

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