Reply to Helping MIL and DH figure out how much care FIL w/ Alzheimer's needs

Forum Index » Eldercare

Reply to "Helping MIL and DH figure out how much care FIL w/ Alzheimer's needs"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]DIL here trying to help my husband and mother in law navigate what to do with my FIL (78). He has Alzheimer's. He is still at home. MIL (74) works full time and will be retiring in the next 4-6 months (she's eligible in January 2025). They are lower-middle income and have crap retirement savings. FIL was assessed by the state (Maryland) medicaid folks and qualified for nursing home care. He is incontinent, both urine and bowels. Can still sometimes have conversations, but generally does not know what is going on.

Currently, MIL works from home 2 days/week and there is a caregiver who comes for a few hours on the days she is in office. If she wants to go out somewhere at night, either DH, me, or a cousin go to babysit FIL. He should not be left alone at all IMO. I personally think this is a ticking time bomb as he has not done anything dangerous yet, but it could happen at any time. He is unsupervised for many hours most days. He cannot prepare food, he will not do hygiene, MIL can't get him to bathe/shower, caregiver can get him to do it occasionally. So he is rarely clean, and unable to participate in most activities. He does not leave the house except for doctors visits.

MIL and DH were ok with the idea of a nursing home until they went to visit one and now they think a memory care/assisted living place is a better option, even though the cost is astronomical and will bankrupt them and they will be looking to us to supplement. They didn't like that the nursing home seemed like a place where everyone was a vegetable in a gown and feel that FIL is not that bad, where because it is not my dad and I am a level removed, I think I am viewing this a bit differently. The fact that a man who was once very social, fastidious with his personal appearance and hygiene is now unable to toilet, has daily accidents and can't really hold meaningful conversations with anyone says to me that his disease is advanced. They feel that because he can walk around the house unassisted and for example, occasionally go out to dinner with the family (though cannot participate in any conversation, select a meal, and sometimes will try to wander off from the table and have to be retrieved, or will say inappropriate things to strangers) that he is not nursing home level "sick." I think he only seems more capable to them because he's their dad/husband and if he were a stranger, they would see it differently. I also went through this with my own grandfather and in my experience, the progression of this awful disease seems like things are fine for a while and then go downhill really fast.

I am worried about MIL being able to physically care for him as he is getting more obstinate with care tasks (the feeding, dressing, and bathing). MIL isn't very agile or in good shape. She has had one hip replacement and needs another. She is very overweight and it takes her a significant amount of time to go up and down the stairs in their house. In my opinion, SHE will be a candidate for assisted living in a shorter time period than they realize. She isn't capable of providing the level of care he needs and I am fearful that something will happen to one or both of them.

Would you push MIL/DH to consider the nursing homes and perhaps find one that doesn't seem horribly depressing, or let them go forth with these plans for a very expensive assisted living/memory care? MIL/FIL have enough savings for max 2-3 years at the places they have toured, and IMO, if they can do the nursing home, they should, and preserve that money for MIL's care, because I think all are in denial that she will need significant care at some point too....

What would you advise?[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics