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[quote=Anonymous]Help! I am feeling totally out of my parents depths and looking for some parenting books/guidance. My middle child, almost 5, has been diagnosed with anxiety/selective mutism and in school she is well behaved but inattentive. We suspect inattentive ADHD but it has not yet been formally diagnosed. At home she is pretty typically loud and normally a sweet very happy go lucky girl but sometimes she just goes OFF and I’m at a loss.

She gets violent with her brother and parents over tiny things. We had a great day yesterday, went to the pool, had popsicles, all was well. She was definitely tired, so that couldn’t have helped. Last night, she wanted us to wait to read a bedtime story - I was waiting but her brother started reading aloud and she got angry and stomped on his back. I got upset and told her we do not hurt people (something she hears a lot) and I could see she was in a mood immediately and she tried to hit me, I wouldn’t allow her to, it escalated and she slammed the door. Baby was already sleeping so I was pissed and yelled at her not to slam the door; she promptly did it again so you can imagine how that went. I took a couple of her toys, and I did not want to do her bedtime. My husband took over and eventually she came to apologize after 10 min and we hugged and I told her I loved her but we can’t hurt people. Another example- this morning we were playing a game (flip two cards, higher card wins) and she “lost” and head butted her brother. I again told her that was not ok and my husband took her upstairs for a timeout but then she started absolutely losing it — I went up and let her out and told her to stomp her feet instead of hurt people and held her in my lap while she cried.

I read last night that negative punishment is not as effective as positive rewards, but I am not really sure how to even implement rewards for this type of thing — not being violent in the moment and instead training anger on a pillow or stomping feet. It’s rewarding an absence of violence rather than a specific action.

If anyone has experience with this and has some parenting strategies or books for young children they can point me to I would really appreciate. We have just started therapy but have been really focused on the anxiety side of it which I feel like I have a much better handle on. The violence - I am at a loss.[/quote]

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