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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As a high-performing, unmedicated ADHD woman, I can tell you that I was attracted to DH in part because of his meticulous spreadsheets, color-coded closet, and planning skills. He's probably borderline OCD in the same ways.  How self-aware is your spouse?  I have learned to live with checklists I am a minimalist, so everything has a spot.  I have air tags on most things. I get help with calendaring things at work.  I don't hire anyone with ADHD themselves, certainly not my nanny.  Mine has very strong executive functioning skills.  One kid is doing fine with medication and sports.  The other one is closer to your kids' ages and may not need medication.  That one also gets lots of sports, and I teach reading and math at home as I don't think much of what is taught as school sinks in. [/quote]

This is very helpful thank you. DH is very, very functioning which is part of why he is untreated. He thinks medication would alter his abilities. I'm not necessarily pushing for medication, just therapy or coaching to help him support me at home. Stuff like losing things constantly, forgetting minutia about the kids/house etc.

We didn't know our nanny had ADHD when we hired her, about four months in when we tried to talk with her about her performance she let us know she is ADHD/ASD and partially deaf. She is bonded to our kids though and we had just had a baby so we decided to stick with it and it's been about 18 months. We've mutually decided she needs a better fit and will be leaving after the summer. [/quote]

Well he's not "very, very functioning" if he's losing things constantly.

Why do you say "support me at home"? Are you a SAHM or work part-time? If you work full-time, he needs to be pulling his weight as a parent not just "helping" you.

I think a big part of this process is you opening your eyes to exactly how impaired your DH and nanny are.[/quote]

He's very high functioning at work; this is why he's been able to skate by, especially with me picking up the slack. Yes I work full time. Pulling his weight is exactly what I am asking for help with here. How do I get him to do that? Do you have a spouse with adhd and have tips?[/quote]

Divide and conquer.  I'm the woman with ADHD above.  I manage the kids' activities, camps, school meetings, etc.  I also manage our nanny.  I make checklists for our nanny, and she catches things I've missed in them. For example, if ballet shoes don't fit after the summer, she notices and sends me a link.  She also does the kids' laundry and keeps their closets and toys tidy and organized.  DH will also pick up on things because he knows he should read school emails. For example, the other day, he reminded me it was a crazy hair day.  I would have probably missed that.  DH manages everything related to the house (cleaner, gardener, repairs, utility bills), our cars, travel, concerts, and other events.  We have a shared Excel spreadsheet with lots of tabs.

I don't have advice on how to fix things from where they are, as we naturally fell into this pattern. To help your DH not lose things, I would declutter as much as possible and have one specific place for things like keys, wallets, electronics, and sunglasses.  Could you make sure your DH and nanny understand the system?  [/quote]

The fact that your nanny manages this makes me want to cry, it's so far beyond the abilities of ours. For example I have asked her a million times to have the kids bring their backpacks and lunch boxes in after school. They never do, the car is always a mess of trash and kids stuff. I realize we should have let her go a long time ago but it's very hard to find childcare in our area (not dc) and we really needed someone.

I guess my biggest issue is that I HAVE systems for everything, no one follows them. We have a place for everything, no one uses them. So it's either me 1. Spending all my time reminding people or 2. Me doing it myself or 3. No one doing it, life sliding into chaos.

I think I really just need to have a CTJ talk with DH and say I'm really at the end of my rope here. [/quote]

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