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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My 16-year-old is neurotypical, I think, but he's also severely depressed and anxious (in therapy; on Prozac; no improvement so far). The symptoms play out in delayed schoolwork, retreating from possible new friends, and especially basic household tasks.

His room is terrible - dirty dishes, clothes everywhere, papers and detritus, a backpack that looks like a toddler's (crumpled papers, chip wrappers, nothing filed in folders or notebooks). He will not do his own laundry - promises to do so, then doesn't. If I do it for him, he promises to put it away, and then doesn't.

He's generally well-behaved except for these problems. I just feel like he's not learning basic life skills about order and keeping his spaces clean. And it's cutting into my work hours - he will not let me clean his room when he's at home, so I take an hour out of my telework day each week to clean his room and do his laundry for him.

A few weeks ago, I lost my temper with this situation - all our carrots and sticks seem to have failed. So I yelled at him, telling him he needed to grow up and take care of himself. I tried to make him clean his room, but instead he burst into sobs, said he couldn't do anything because he feels suicidal all the time and hates himself. He cried for an hour. So did I. (It did not feel manipulative on his part - I don't think he's acting like this to get out of chores.) It was one of the worst days of my life, and probably his, too.

We've subsequently consulted both his PCP and his therapist and they did not suggest outpatient or feel that his SI would turn into actual attempts. I'm not so sure.

But now we feel like we can't enforce basic house rules or he'll fall apart again. We've tried speaking to him gently about the situation; we've even tried bribes. But here we are in the same situation: me taking time off work to clean his room, him ignoring rules about no food in bedrooms, me doing all his laundry, picking up his trash, trying to sort out his school papers.

This is really worrisome because we're starting to look at colleges. I've hired a college counselor, but everything (signing up for an SAT date, choosing colleges to start visiting, etc.) feels like I am dragging him through his tasks like a dead weight. I keep getting angry (not at him, just internally) - he can't or won't do these tasks himself, and scolding him would result in another breakdown.

Not sure what I'm looking for here - just a vent. Maybe we should just leave his room alone until the mess overwhelms him and he learns to deal with it. Maybe we should just look at community colleges and skip the whole college-admissions insanity. I don't know. I just feel like crying all the time - I failed him somehow and I just can't figure out how or why.

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Is there also a psychiatrist looking at the meds or just the PCP?
What do the PCP or therapist recommend as far as the things like keeping room clean? Do they think starting the college preparation process is a good idea right now or better to wait for awhile? How long on Prozac? Is he keeping up with schoolwork? Hygiene? Does he pay attention to what he wears? Are there things he spends time on as escapes (video games or whatever)? 
If it's depression it's really hard to overcome the barriers that causes to basic daily tasks. But I don't have specific suggestions, just these are some questions you might think about.

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