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[quote=Anonymous]My teenaged daughter and l will be visiting my hometown this summer as I take home leave between overseas assignments.  My elderly parents live there, as does my sister and her family.  One of her children called my daughter (who is biracial) a racist slur last summer, and we've maintained distance from them since.  It's more important to me to show my daughter that racism is never excusable even if it comes from a relative than it is to me to be nice to a little shithead who happens to be a family member.

Tragically, my sister's oldest child passed away last month -- pursuing an extreme sport that none of us, except for my sister, thought the child should be involved in.  In fact, she and my mother had a huge argument just after New Year's during which my mother yelled at her that the kid was going to get himself killed.  And it happened.  So many of my relatives have said to me "I told her that this was going to happen -- but of course I'm not going to say anything now, that would just be cruel."  I've communicated with my sister several times since the tragedy and have just listened actively and empathetically, not giving any views on whatever opinions I might have of the situation, instead just expressing how sorry I am for their loss and how much I, too, miss and mourn for their son.  My daughter and I will be seeing my sister and her family to express condolences in person, visit the cemetery, etc.  We're not forgetting what the other kid said, and our trust in that kid remains extremely low, but we're also not forgetting that that kid is grieving the loss of a sibling, so we won't be cold under the circumstances.

As the date of our arrival grows closer, I find myself having very strong emotions about seeing my sister and her family.  (We didn't make it to the funeral because they announced the date less than two days before it took place, and I'm serving in a country where you need more time than that to get back to our West Coast hometown.)  I'm feeling, justified or not, that my sister is a huge dumbass who has done an amazingly bad job as a parent.  I know that it would be absolutely cruel to let those feelings show in any way.  My prediction is that a lot of my relatives will be telling me in private that she's a dumbass who has done an amazingly bad job as a parent, and while it would be SO THERAPEUTIC to say "Yes, in confidence, I agree with you 110%," I also suspect that eventually someone's going to snap and tell her what they really think -- and list off the names of everyone who's ever said, in confidence, that we agree.

Any tips for managing my emotions while in my hometown?  I feel so dishonest to be concealing my true thoughts, but I also feel like This Is Not The Time to be candid.  As much as I disagree with my sister's choices, her grief is obviously overwhelming right now and clearly none of this should be "about me" -- right now it truly is about her and her spouse and surviving children.[/quote]

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