Reply to sharing care responsibilities with a sibling

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi, I am here for a gut check. I feel like my brother and I do not contribute equitably to our mom's care.

There is not so much "care" at this stage. Mom is 68 and generally healthy, but there are some time-consuming admin tasks, there is her need for companionship, there is the need to help with some expenses, and there are some decisions to be made regarding care and finances. My brother has helped her financially (and so did I to the same degree overall, but lately, I feel it's been mostly me "bridging the gap"), but he does not want to get involved in the other aspects I listed above. I live closer to mom, but a lot of the admin tasks can be completed remotely.

I am a 45-year-old female with 2 kids (elem and middle school), married, a very busy FT job, and a health issue that I am managing. It is nothing fatal, but it requires attention.

My brother is a 41-year-old male with two kids (4 and 2, one of whom has moderate SN). He is married and [b]semi-retired [/b](he did very well and has stepped back into a PT consultancy role; his wife works FT).

I have raised this with my brother on a couple of occasions (but he's been avoiding the subject), that we are both busy, but our mom is not only my responsibility. $$ help is great, but I do that too, equally if not more, but there are multiple admin tasks that are very time-consuming, and that I believe should be shared.

I would appreciate advice on how to have a productive conversation on sharing the admin responsibilities/the mental burden (not looking for financial or logistical advice). It is about the current responsibilities, but also setting expectations regarding future care. Thank you.  [/quote]

No one would call a mom working part time with two preschool aged kids (one with special needs) and a spouse working full time “semi-retired”. It sounds like you’re trying to oversell your brother’s availability to help out when in reality he has a ton on his plate.

Like the pp, I’m also skeptical of the “needs” you profess your mother to have.  A 68 year old woman should be capable of completing most administrative tasks herself and finding companionship through socializing with friends/at senior centers etc.  I would question whether you are just enabling her and fostering a dependency that is only going to get worse, and lead you to burnout when she is older and truly in need of help.

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