Reply to Specific midlife crisis issue: playing "what if" with your life?

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm mid-40s. I definitely think I'm in the middle of some kind of mild midlife crisis. Nothing dramatic -- no major marital issues, no big career shift. I'm not doing things like having an affair, making a big purchase, changing my personality, etc.

BUT I am experiencing some mental stuff that makes me understand WHY people do stuff like that at this age in a way I never did before. I did start therapy last year and I think it's been helpful, but it seems to be plateauing and my therapist isn't as helpful with some of this stuff as I'd like. So posting this here in the hopes others have experienced similar and might have some perspectives.

The big thing is that I am experiencing something that is not exactly regret but akin to it. Basically looking at friends and peers and their lives and often finding myself wondering what my life would be like if I'd taken a path more like theirs than mine. Not even thinking "oh I'd be happier" or "that would be better," but just going down this mental pathway of what if I'd done this and this and this with my career, personal life, family choices, financial choices. I find myself doing this very often, pretty much anytime we socialize with friends. Again, not in a jealous way -- honestly my life is pretty good and when I look at friends in different situations, I generally can see things about their lives that might be a little nicer/easier, but also things that are tougher or not as pleasant.

I also can see more clearly than ever before how many choices are dictated by circumstance and upbringing and aren't really even choices. So I can see clearly how certain choices were never really open to me, or conversely how things in my life were almost fated because of my background, and were not as much of a choice as I may have thought of at the time.

I find these thoughts very consuming and I just am doing a lot of navel gazing. It's not miserable, but it feels exhausting. I just want to be more content with what I have (which is good-to-great and I'm lucky in many ways) and stop playing these what ifs. What's done is done. But it's like my middle-aged brain can't accept that and keeps playing this game.

Anyone have any luck in moving on from these what-if thoughts and just let it go? I think it's my brain adjusting to the fact that so many of the major choices of my life (marriage, kids, career) have been made and are done. Now we live with it. But it's like I can't accept that.

Thoughts? Advice? Commiseration? All welcome. TIA.[/quote]

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