Reply to "I can do better" syndrome

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[quote=Anonymous]What is "better"? Better looking? Wealthier? More successful? Or like, a better personality fit?

There's a funny thing that happens the longer I'm married -- everyone I didn't married looks worse and worse, and my DH looks better and better. But a LOT of that is due to the fact that the longer you are married in a functional relationship (we have our issues, some of them actually fairly major, but we have functional communication and maintain mutual respect), the harder it would be to replace your spouse with someone else. Even someone supposedly amazing. Because they wouldn't know you as well, your relationship would be so raw and, essentially, childish. Like my DH drives me nuts sometimes, but the idea that some OTHER man would come into my life and not only not drive me crazy with all of his weird and annoying habits, but also be able to connect with me and figure me out to the degree my DH has over the course of 15+ years? I'm sorry, the odds feel so slim.

Also I have enough friends who I've known over the course of similarly long marriages, and I know from observation that nothing, NOTHING in marriage is without tradeoffs. That guy with the high flying, high paying job? Just wait until he's at the peak of his career in his mid 40s to mid 50s, half his colleagues are divorced, and the expectation is that he's going to work every single weekend and every holiday. Even if he's a great guy who pushes against that, I know plenty of women who feel caught in the catch-22 of having a very well-compensated spouse but often feeling very isolated as parents or just as people because of what jobs like that ask of people.

And this is true for so many "assets" that people bring to a relationship. There is upside. There is downside. Sometimes the upside way outweighs the downside, but sometimes it's frankly a toss up.

Also, regarding physical attraction and looks -- everyone ages. Even the people who stay fit and eat well. Even the ones who get plastic surgery and spend hours at the salon. We all get old. Not even Hollywood celebrities can find a way to look 24 when they are over 45. Not one. So attraction changes a lot with age.  And for women, having kids and becoming moms -- god, it's just freaking game changing. I'm not saying it means never being attractive again (I think I'm good looking and I'm a mom). But it is just never the same as that pre-baby, pre-motherhood appearance. Even if your body "bounces back" or whatever. You know too much. That woman is dead. Sorry (for what it's worth, I think the woman who replaces her is usually a spiritual upgrade).

Anyway, the idea of "upgrading" a partner at my age just sounds weird. Like I said at the outset -- if we're talking about finding someone who is a better personality fit, maybe better shares your goals and other important life factors, I get it. I'm not anti-divorce and I know people who have divorced and been better for it. But the idea of upgrading based on more superficial factors? Whatever. If you are still thinking in those terms, I think you just don't really "get" marriage yet. Best of luck![/quote]

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