Reply to Is the nastiness an attempt to exercise some power?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here's a hot take---hire this out immediately, if you can. They are probably triggered by you and it's not good for anyone. You can care for them by arranging paid caregivers who don't trigger them and who aren't triggered by them.

It's common. My mom is cruel--wildly--but not to paid caregivers. We are both calmer without direct caregiving. [/quote]

This is some of the best advice I have seen. My mother's behavior was abusive and frightening with me and getting worse by the minute. She could turn it on for others. My health deteriorated-physical quite rapidly to a serious illness after a few years and mental health. I had 2 life changing epiphanies:

1.) She will hate me, resent me and rage at me no matter how much I help and the more I help the more miserable I am. If I step back and outsource EVERYTHING she will hate and resent me, but I have some hope of regaining my mental and physical health.

2.) It isn't good for her mind or health in general to rage at me. The cortisol and other things released are damaging. Also, even if she is addicted to rage and gets a dopamine hit, that is not a safe addiction to feed.

Outsourced everything and doctors are truly amazed at how my physical health has improved. I have also lost weight. I actually wake up again with a sense of hope. People from work comment that I seem more relaxed. I found a lot of things needed addressing at home with my teens and I could tackle that. I can carve out more time for my husband. AND Mom is properly cared for. She behaves better for strangers and when she doesn't and they set boundaries she has learned from enough people quitting, she needs to shape up.Yes, I do believe in the early stages they have some capacity to control things and respect boundaries if a stranger sets them.

Oh and to answer your first question YES, my mom absolutely wanted power. She has always been entitled and uppity so she would say anything, no matter how damaging to me in an effort to make me cower and be subservient. I was started to sense if I had not stepped back she would have attempted physical assault.[/quote]

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