Reply to We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.

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[quote=Anonymous]DH and I can't figure out our schedules/task divisions and it leads to constant conflict. We've tried so many times to figure out how to make it all fit, and it just doesn't. We have 2 young kids and no family support - but I  know many others make it work with this setup, so what are we missing?

DH works in finance. Even after dropping down to a "chill" job, it's 45-50 hours/week, 170k salary. He says at this point he can't pursue a new career as investment analysis is his only skillset, and there is no job in finance where he can reliably work 40 hours/week. He works out in the mornings and then is at work until 6.

I work 40 hours/week and make 100k. Our kids are in daycare and elementary school with aftercare.

His schedule leaves me fully responsible for getting the kids ready in the morning, picking both of them up, and making dinner. My workouts have to be done in the middle of the workday, which is stressful. In the evenings, we have to divide and conquer with the kids (activities, homework help, toddler wrangling) if he's not working. After bedtime, he helps clean up the kitchen and do some mental load stuff, like forms, activity signups, bills, order stuff on Amazon, etc. Sometimes he has to work.

He has always been a slow and thorough person, so he can't just start multitasking or do more. I can see he is doing his best. But I am overstretched too. There just isn't enough slack in the system. Either he's doing more than he can and starts resenting me or vice versa. (And that's not even mentioning when someone gets sick or there's a snow day, it's total chaos). If he could only have a normal 40 hours/week job, I think it would fix things, but he says it's impossible. I don't think more childcare is the solution since they are both already in full-time care. I also don't think we can just continue ignoring sleep and exercise, we've let our health go for far too long due to lack of time and it shows.

My dual-career friends and neighbors either have 2 parents with flexible jobs, or grandparent help, or they're miserable too. I don't know how we get out of this. My DH keeps regretting having kids because of all these extra responsibilities pushing him over the edge. We've tried therapy and it helped us see each other's perspectives, but we still feel trapped in this impossible math equation.
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