Reply to Move Parents to Local Nursing Home or Far Away with Me?

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[quote=Anonymous]Long story.  What would you do?

My parents are in their 90s, using walkers, and living in their own home.  They both got covid last month and are recovering at home.  It really knocked them down and left them very weak and needing 24 hour assistance with getting to restroom, showering, preparing meals, medication reminders, etc.  Brother 1 has lived with them many years post-divorce and is getting married in June.  Our parents were fully independent when he moved in.  Over the years, he has become their caregiver as they've gotten older.  He has adult children in the same town.  Brother 2 & his family live in the same town.  My family & I (the only sister) live 1000 miles away.  I have been here 2 weeks helping Brother 1 care for them.

My parents can no longer be left home alone while Brother 1 works full-time and has his own life.  Also, Brother 1 is getting married and moving out in June.  My parents will no longer have him here to help them.

Other info:  Dad has no other family.  Mom has a sister & brother 30 minutes away.  They see my parents about 4 times/year.  They are very close despite not seeing each other very often.  Dad has early stages of dementia, forgets where he puts things, repeats questions, confused sometimes as to time/day/place.  Mom had a stroke 10 years ago that affects her speech and sometimes comprehension.  She sometimes sounds completely normal.  Other times she mixes up her words or says nonsensical words.  I can usually understand what she's trying to say and I'm good at rephrasing things to make her understand what I'm trying to tell her.  I'm afraid if she goes to a nursing home they won't be patient with her speech difficulties and just write her off as a dementia patient who doesn't know what she's talking about.  She is still there inside and understands way more than it appears.

My parents cannot live alone and Brother 1 is done being caregiver.  Brother 2 cannot help to the degree that's needed.  The choices are:

Option A.  Parents go to nursing home.  They are beyond Assisted Living care.  Last week, Brother 1 and I toured a very nice nursing home 10 miles from home.  It has availability.  Parents have not seen it yet.  If they go there, Brothers 1 & 2 will likely visit them a total of twice/week.  Grandkids maybe 3 times/month total.  Mom's brother & sister will likely visit as usual 4 times/year.  I can visit about 6 times/year.

Option B.  Parents move in with me & my family 1000 miles away.  I have never wanted them to go to a nursing home and my brothers know that.  I have always been willing & able to take care of them in my home.  My husband & kids fully support me on this.  When they require additional care, or if we need respite care, we will hire outside help to come to our home.

If they move with me, mom will likely never see her brother & sister again which is heartbreaking for all of them.  My aunt & uncle cannot travel that far.  My parents would rarely see my brothers and rarely see 8 of the 10 grandkids.  They would come visit about once a year.

Option C.  For now, in a week or two, move them to the nursing home as it would be an "easier" move.  Give them a month or two.  See how they like it.  See if it's still a good place.  If they are miserable, they are still welcome to move in with me 1000 miles away.

What do my parents say?  They don't want to leave their home.  But, sadly & unfortunately, they cannot stay.  We temporarily hired 24/7 non-medical caregivers for a week before I got here to help, but we cannot maintain that long-term nor do my parents like having strangers in their home 24/7.  It makes them very uneasy.  Parents have not made up their minds as to what they would prefer-- nursing home or move with me 1000 miles away.  Nursing home is super expensive, they would spend their life savings then go on Medicaid.  They could stay in the same nursing home on Medicaid, but they'd have to switch to a different wing.  Very soon, this week, we will have to force them into a decision because Brother 1 "cannot take it anymore" as he put it, and I have to return home.  Brother 2 cannot care for them.

Other note-  If they move with me and one of them dies, we will bring the deceased back home for funeral and burial per their wishes.  However, my living parent might not be well enough to travel back for the funeral.

Also- if they go to nursing home they must have a POA (power of attorney).  Right now they have no POA.  Brother 1 is the assumed choice but I want Brother 2 because I do not really know the woman Brother 1 is marrying and I don't know about her influence on him.  If they move away with me, I want POA.  I wonder how hard it is to change POA from a brother to me in the future if needed.

What would you do?  And are there other things I'm not considering?  We have to decide this week.  [/quote]

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