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[quote=Anonymous]Trying to make sense of this (and sorry it's so long!). I have been in a friend group for about 10 years. It started as a small group of coworkers who started doing the same hobby, and grew from there to encompass a lot of people involved in that hobby. It's now about 15 people give or take -- some people have moved away but visit sometimes, some don't do the hobby anymore but come to gatherings, etc.

Three years ago, there was a bit of a drama in the group and one person (I'll call her Kelly) was sort of "expelled" (or left because she wanted to, depends on who you ask), and several other people who were close to Kelly became a bit more distant from the group, especially certain people, after that. They are still around but less involved. I guess I am in this part of the group, though I wasn't actually that close to Kelly, more like I'm very close to two people who were very close to her. So I guess I knew her better than others and also was privy to a lot of stuff that went down to prompt her leaving, which I know not everyone is.

Long story short, several bits of untrue gossip emerged about Kelly and spread like wildfire. They were very unflattering and caused her to stop being invited to things and also many people started treating her very coldly at the hobby. It is now broadly accepted that the gossip was false, but people are split on how it came about. Some (including Kelly) feel it was invented/encouraged by two specific members of the group who were competitive with Kelly and wanted to destroy her rep. Some feel it was an unfortunate misunderstanding. I think it's a little of both -- there was definitely a competition of sorts between Kelly and someone else, and that person maybe exploited a misunderstanding that was already emerging. I don't know. I didn't spread the rumors about her though I do remember hearing about them.

My understanding is that Kelly became very depressed after these rumors spread, and especially when she started being excluded or treated coldly/rudely by others in the group. She chose to quit the hobby (which was a big deal -- it's an expensive hobby she'd spent years getting good at, but it's a small community and it's pretty much impossible to do without running into people from this friend group) and she ultimately severed her friendships with everyone in the group. While she didn't tell me this directly, one of the people close to her told me that she was in therapy, on anti-depressants, and experiencing suicidal ideation, which was why she chose to make a clean break. It was also when Covid started, so it was an easy excuse to just cut everyone out.

But the people who participated in the gossip/shunning her view it differently -- they think she was being dramatic, that she expected the group to chase after her and apologize, and they think it's kind of funny no one did. The people who think this have mellowed a bit on it, and aren't as nasty when her name comes up. But it's still an attitude "oh yeah, Kelly was weird, she didn't really fit in with us."

I'm struggling because I see both sides of this. This group can be incredibly warm and supportive of one another. Celebrating birthdays, weddings, babies, and other personal victories. They are very active on social media and you really see all the support for one another all the time and it makes me feel good to be a part of it.

But this incident, and especially the gossip and the shunning, still kind of bothers me even though Kelly was not someone I was super close to. I was talking to my sister about it last night and here is what she said (almost verbatim, it's really stuck with me): This group gossiped about and bullied a woman until she developed serious mental health issues and suicidal ideation, and ultimately severed her relationship not just with the group but with an activity she'd done for years and spent thousands of dollars to participate in because she feared for her well being and potentially her life.

And when you put it like that... I don't know what to think. I do think Kelly likely had some pre-existing vulnerability that made that situation a lot worse for her than it might have been for others. But then I've never been the subject of false rumors in this group so, as my sister said, it's awfully easy for me to say that (and also so what if she already had depression or whatever, lots of people do, it doesn't excuse what happened).

So I ask DCUM: is it possible for this group to be a wonderful and supportive friend group for some people, and a toxic cesspool for others? I feel very torn about this, and especially about the fact that I personally still like and hang out with people I do know treated Kelly very badly. I think I sometimes pretend I don't know, but because of my proximity to the situation, I do know -- some people did some pretty awful things to her, and I still talk to them and enjoy their company.[/quote]

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