Reply to Elders sometimes become abusive toward those they were closest to, so please don't insert yourself

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[quote=Anonymous]It’s so hard OP but there are lots of us who are experiencing similar issues and you are not alone.  My mom is also great at being the loveliest, sweetest person around others but being incredibly nasty when we’re alone.  You’ve probably seen me post before, I refer to myself as my mom’s dumpster because much of the time that’s all she does-dump on me.  Her laundry list of complaints, issues and ailments is never ending.

She rarely rears her ugly head around others and it’s hard for them to understand my angst and frustrating being the figurative punching bag.  Every so often her nastiness comes out in front of other people but it’s rare.  My husband has only witnessed it personally once, when my mom was screaming at me with balled up fists and calling me a witch and saying I was trying to kill her.  Fun times.

You absolutely should feel no guilt or remorse from distancing yourself from the situation.  At some point your moms safety has to come before her happiness. And if she was unhappy with you around more she’s going to continue being unhappy with you setting healthy boundaries for yourself.

My mom is in the throes of vascular dementia.  What’s helped me deal with it is just accepting that this isn’t really her and a few years at the end of being just an awful human being shouldn’t negate all the years when she wasn’t so awful.  Was she the perfect mom?  No way.  But she wasn’t who she is now.  I’ve accepted that life is scary for her, I’m the person she’s closest to so I’m the one she’s comfortable letting her freak flag fly.  I’ve been able to disassociate from her nastiness.  This doesn’t mean you have to do anything different than you’re doing.

Anyone who has dealt with dementia will 100% understand your need to maintain your boundaries.  Don’t feel judged.  Those doing the judging haven’t been there (but they might be there eventually as our elderly live longer and longer).  This didn’t seem to be an issue with our parents generation.

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