Reply to Elders sometimes become abusive toward those they were closest to, so please don't insert yourself

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[quote=Anonymous]   I feel like this isn't discussed enough. As I dealt with abusive year after year I felt crazy. So many people just adore my mother and they saw we had a good relationship at one point. (We had a good relationship because I accepted the concerning qualities and tried to focus on the good ones. The good ones faded and now she is downright abusive.) She still can turn it on for others-occasionally slips and it scares people, but mostly can hold it together. I want her to enjoy other people. I distanced myself so avoid further damage, but I want her to feel loved. Sadly a lot of that love comes from people seeking financial gain, but that's another story.

It is not anyone's place to insert themselves and try to guilt trip, or push an adult child to be closer to someone when they don't know what has gone on behind closed doors. I regret every second of emotional and verbal abuse my children and husband witnessed, and they saw the most benign of it. The worst of it was before I stopped ever being along.

I get that people are well-meaning and just want to see family harmony. I understand people cannot fathom what a monster another person can be to family, even if they saw glimpses, they go into denial. However, as long as the person is well cared for-and my mother is by strangers who are trained to work with her even if she gets snippy (nothing like she is with me) ...as long as the person is cared for-stay out it.

It is such a horrid feeling to have someone try to push you back to something that was destructive. It is even worse when you share the truth and are not believed. I wish we talked about this more and people understood, if someone breaks away, there is a reason. I spent many years in therapy to stop the abuse from happening. I finally found the only way to stop it was to distance myself. it's amazing how a person trying to do the right thing gets dehumanized and a person who abuses with abandon, gets put on a pedestal. (And it was happening before early dementia set in).

Anyone relate?[/quote]

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