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[quote=Anonymous]I wanted to get some insights as to how others have handled similar situations. I  the sole relative of an elderly person, who I moved here during Covid to an ALF. The person’s personality has always been very challenging, so I never considered seriously moving them in with me. I also have stairs, which would be a physical challenge, and both myself and my husband work full time outside the home  (though I TW frequently for now).

The ALF is very nice. Clean and with good loving staff. And they seem to be able to manage the personality issues even though my relative has really been awful to them (calling them stupid, etc.). I have spent a lot of time there, and have experience with others, so I don’t think I’m wrong when I say I think it objectively is good (though none is perfect).

My relative has been miserable there. My relative complains constantly about literally everything, but the main real issue, as far as I can tell, is that there aren’t enough activities or socialization. Many of the other residents have memory impairments, but the staff really does their best and there are some activities. My relative refuses to participate. My relative wants me, and only me, to come and take them out shopping, for car rides, to my house, etc. My relative has absolutely no concept of what modern working parent life is like and thinks I should just leave my kids in front of the TV on weekends so I can take my relative out.

I visit on average a few hours every week and try to take my relative out when I can or take them to kid things (like our birthday party or holidays). Relative is quite frail and has mobility issues and it’s hard for me to manage unless I can either bring my husband or leave my kids at home with him. I can’t manage getting both relative around and small kids around by myself.  I do call almost every day.

The problem is it’s not enough. Every conversation is how awful it is, how lonely, how sad. I have offered and tried to hire someone to come and sit with my relative or take them out when I can’t. My relative refuses and becomes extremely angry that I am spending their money. Relative has more money than could ever be spent.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I simply don’t have the time to spend doing the level of visits and activities my relative wants. As it stands, I wake up with pressure on my chest from the stress of trying to balance what I am doing with my job, small kids, and house upkeep. I feel like I’m one step away from it all collapsing. I don’t have money to contact our my child or home care, which I would have to do in order to free the time to take relative around more.

I feel so sad and really depressed like I’m failing my relative, kids, husband, job, home. Maybe I picked the wrong ALF? I just don’t know how people do this. I’m in year 4 and I had 4 years of a parent before this in a similar situation. To make matters worse, neither parent nor this current relative were really great to me along the way - borderline emotionally abusive at times - and when I stop to think about it, I get really resentful….and then feel worse about being resentful of an elderly sick person who is totally alone. How do people do this?

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