Reply to Getting over the fact that your parent-child relationship will never be more?

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[quote=Anonymous]I am 50 and it took me until five years ago to realize how messed up things were with my emotionally reactive, controlling mom (who still, by the way, treats me like I am a recalcitrant 13 year old).  It's just really hard.  Especially as you kids get older, you will realize even more what you are missing.  It's a real loss.

The thing that is great about your situation is that you figured it out at 35.  You can change generational patterns and raise your kids to be emotionally healthy.  You can build the kinds of adult/child relationships that you didn't get to have.  I am doing this now with my adult sons and it is really gratifying to make the transition from day to day parenting to a more mentoring, loving, respectful relationship.  You have all of this to look forward to.

Therapy has really helped me process how messed up my mom's behavior has been, but I'll admit she still has the power to make me very sad and hurt.  I try to protect myself by keeping her at an arm's length.  It sounds like your parents are comfortable being distant from you, so that's good.  Seeing your kids once or twice a year, they are unlikely to do real harm to your kids, especially if you manage it well, which is sounds like you are doing.  I was still caught up in pleasing my parents at your stage and let them treat my kids poorly at times, which I very much regret.

Good luck to you.  This is really hard stuff, but recognizing unhealthy patterns is the first and most important step in changing them.[/quote]

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