Reply to Cutting off my mother... is it warranted?

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[quote=Anonymous]There is a lot of space between cutting her off and forgiveness. Or even cutting her off and the status quo.

Before moving to cutting off, I'd put in place some firm, non negotiable boundaries.

Take some time, sit with yourself, and think: Knowing what you know (about your mother, about the harm she's done, about your own feelings of guilt if you have them) make a decision about how much contact you think is appropriate.

I would plan to start with a monthly call or Zoom, and no visits for at least six months until you see how she reacts to your boundaries, with a tentative visit in your mind in 9-12 months. But you'e got to determine what works for YOU because as you've seen, your mother only cares about what works for HER.

But here's the rub: You also decide that this "she constantly reminds me that I am a terrible daughter/person for not calling enough, not visiting enough, not taking care of her, etc." is unacceptable. She gets one warning on the nagging and a zero tolerance policy for name calling or saying you're a terrible daughter.

So, you call. You chat. She says "You need to come visit me!" You say "Mom, I understand you want to see me, but I'm not going to be able to visit until at least the spring. I'm not discussing it further." She says "that's too far, you need to come now." You say "Gotta go, Mom, bye!" and hang up on her. She calls back, you don't answer. If the call lasts 30 seconds, then the call lasts 30 seconds. That's HER FAULT. You'll call again in a month.

If you call in a month and the first thing she does is say "Finally, you call back. What a terrible daughter, hanging up on her own mother." You say "Mom, I won't be insulted by you. Goodbye" and you hang up again.

What you're doing here is putting the ball in her court. She will either adapt and shut her trap, in which case you can figure out what balance of visits is worth trying, or she won't, and she'll get 20 seconds to insult you once a month and her lack of relationship with you will be ENTIRELY her fault. If she never adjusts, then at some point, you can decide it's just not worth it and cut her off completely.

If you're reading this and thinking "there's no way I can do this, that sounds impossible, you don't understand her, I'll lose so much sleep over this" then it's time to talk to a therapist to help you work through it.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. [/quote]

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