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[quote=Anonymous]I've had a rocky relationship with my mother for years. We were "closer" when I was younger because I did not realize what a good parent meant. She cheated on my dad and divorced him when I was about 9. I did not warm to my stepfather easily and she put constant pressure on me to be nice to him, because he loved children and I was part of the "package" my mom offered. He was very physical (constant hugs, kisses, slaps on the butt), which bothered me a great deal because I never experienced that kind of physicality from my father. When I showed resistance or discomfort I would be berated and screamed at by my mother for causing tension in her relationship. She would force me to accept the hugs and kisses and push me to return the gestures to him no matter how many times I told her I wasn't comfortable. Whenever he did something nice for me she would remind me that I was benefitting from her relationship, and without her he wouldn't be nice to me. Every time they had a fight I would be ordered to talk to him and get him to come back to her. She was physically abusive as well throughout my childhood. I should mention she was diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder but refused treatment. It's gotten worse over the years and she does not have a single stable relationship with anyone in her family or with my stepfather.

When I went to college and became exposed to my friends' families I realized she was not quite the "great mother" she always praises herself to be. There was never one event but I found myself distancing from her - the thought of talking to her on the phone or going back home caused me so much anxiety and distress that I would procrastinate until I couldn't handle her complaints anymore. She had a pretty significant medical event a few years ago and guilted me into going back to visit. I felt zero genuine concern for her, but did feel a lot of guilt and stress that I didn't want to be there for her. Of course she constantly reminds me that I am a terrible daughter/person for not calling enough, not visiting enough, not taking care of her, etc. I'm not sure how much this matters but she has not financially supported me since I left for college. There were occasional monetary gifts (a couple of hundred dollars) during college, nothing else.

Now that I have a child, I think a lot about the parent-child relationship from the other perspective. I can imagine the pain it causes a parent to be cut off and don't want do make the wrong decision or model the wrong behavior for my child. She's putting pressure on me the past year to visit and meet my child, but I can't imagine a future in which I have a template for interaction that does not cause me a lot of anguish and distress, even though all my grievances are from years ago.

Anyone have similar experiences with a parent, where there is some parental abuse but it's not .... that bad? From what I've read of parental abuse I know it can be so much worse. Is cutting her off warranted? Or should I try to find a way to forgive her and give her the opportunity to be in my child's life?

Or if you have cut off your mother - why? Give me some perspective. [/quote]

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