Reply to NYT article about talking to people with dementia

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hope there are some gerontologists and others who routinely read this forum as some PPs here are making some critical observations about the lack of laypersons' literature, etc on how to relate to loved ones, relatives who are aggressive and hostile, especially ones who may have been that way over the arc of their lives. It's really hard.

In my family's case, our dad was the kindest guy, gracious to all. He did, however, not like pain. Alas, he broke his hip and never recovered to walk again. He would growl and snap at the nurses and aides when they need to adjust him in bed, move him for his shower, etc. I spent a fair amount of time sharing this with the staff on his floor, "You know, if my dad were cognizant, he would be mortified to know that he just snapped at you. He always had a kind word for anyone and inspired his children to be the same." This usually opened up to conversations about their own relatives, etc. I hoped it helped both them and for his care.

Our mom, OTOH, had a short fuse and probably a BPD as per my shrink in my younger years. This really only lessened, though didn't cease, when she entered memory care. Yes, she could still be ferocious, but the staff were great at keeping her isolated from any residents who were triggers and vice versa. This did help us as those last years were more pleasant with her.

All that said, books, lectures, podcasts, etc on how to manage aggressive dementia patients would be wildly appreciated.

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+1,000,000 I posted already, but wanted to chime in again. My dad was a walk in the park as compared to my combative mother. Yes, all the tips were great and worked. I found them all with some quick googling back when he was alive.The advice online from "experts" about dealing with hostile, abusive dementia is just awful until you got to idea #10...if you can't take it anymore and cannot recover from the burnout find a care facility. I think that medication and a care facility need to be #1. The amount of abuse I endured trying every recommended by experts was harmful to my health and my family. Up to a certain point they have a right to keep going off medication and my mom off medication, let alone not on the right dose is not something any human should have to endure.

And along those lines, for those of us determined not to torture and abuse our own family members, we need to be talking more about the option of death with dignity for the dementias in this country. I want the right to determine now that once i reach a certain point, I can part ways in a deep slumber and never verbally or physically harm a loved one or stranger. All that money could go toward making sure my own children always have money for medical bills, and college for the grandchildren and can go to charities that help those less fortunate. Why would I want all my hard earned money to go toward keeping me alive alienating and traumatizing all around me and then whatever is left my kids will need to spend on therapy.[/quote]

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