Reply to "Lost in the Storm": Slate article about local child with suicidal depression

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Reply to ""Lost in the Storm": Slate article about local child with suicidal depression"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m totally out of my depth here because my kid is an externalizer, not an internalizer. But - isn’t it possible that ignoring children’s statements about death/suicide might be better than the intense reactions described here? Making suicidal statements and gestures is a good way to get a big adult reaction, which in turn can reinforce the behaviors. And then simultaneously makes it difficult to discern if the child is actually at risk because there’s no way to discern if they have a plan and ability to carry it out if all statements result in going to the ER. I don’t know, it just seems like statements made by children this young should be handled differently from
statements made by adults and teens. [/quote]

NP here. There's actually something to this.

My teen DD experienced a lot of what's in this article. Not as extreme, but much of what's written is very familiar to me.

But let me tell you that as a parent, it's very hard to gauge what is attention-seeking behavior and what is a real threat. At least in the beginning, and even then for a LONG time. The reality is, a lot of it IS attention-seeking behavior, but you still have to take it seriously, because 1) What if it's not; and 2) What if a half-hearted attempt goes sideways? I promise you every parent with a child like this has had that thought of "Oh, she just wants attention" but it is still frightening because of 1) and 2). And so, you learn to err on the side of caution.

I will say that over time, we came to recognize certain patterns and behaviors. And what we saw was a lack of commitment to getting better. DD wasn't taking medicine she was prescribed. She was approaching therapy more as an attempt to win over the therapist to validate her long list of grievances about what a terrible life she had had (which was a fiction -- she had a fine childhood). The only thing she really seemed to relish was group -- and even then she seemed to get some kind of sick satisfaction out of watching all the other screw-ups and feel superior to them. It was REALLY strange and unsettling, and we're still dealing with that superiority complex now that she's into her 20s.

But what changed is eventually we said "enough." And stopped the intensive interventions. We pulled her out of the PHPs. We got her a personal therapist and offered group therapy so she could get that fix, but she decided not to go. But basically, we decided to stop coddling her. It was scary as hell. But the intensive therapy wasn't changing anything -- it was just bankrupting us and perpetuating the drama.

You know what happened? She stabilized. She matured. She graduated high school and went to college. And while there are still troubling mental health behaviors now and again, but they're fewer and far between. She's an adult now so I can't make her see a psychiatrist, although I've urged her to.

So, for us, at least, dropping the rope had a better outcome than continuing down the road. I'm not saying this would work for every family that finds themselves in this nightmare. But, it's worth a conversation. Sometimes if you stop coddling, it can work. [/quote]

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