Reply to How do you protect yourself from being hurt by your parents' toxic comments?

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "How do you protect yourself from being hurt by your parents' toxic comments?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]My parents are immigrants and their parenting style involved control, emotional manipulation, and shaming. I grew up trying to gain their approval and fighting with them to get them to see my side and treat me better.

Even now, we're stuck in a toxic cycle where I try to set boundaries and they keep pushing me, so I snap at them and they blow up due to my rudeness. Examples would be insisting on packing my car for me "their way" when I visit them, guilting me about when I am allowed to leave, telling me they need to borrow my car because it's easier for the kids (despite no insurance and a history of 8-10 minor accidents).

The challenge is that they have cleaned up their act with my kids and are model grandparents. My brother has always kept emotionally distant from them so they have a functional relationship with him. Same with mine and my brother's partners - never got close enough to be toxic.

They are convinced that the problem is my rudeness, and that I should just accept them as they are (since clearly everyone else has no issues with them). They don't notice that they shame me and control me in a way they don't do with anyone else. They don't realize that our history means that their comments cut me in a way they don't cut others, who can laugh it off as crazy immigrant parents behavior.

Many conversations and attempts to get them to therapy have gone nowhere. They just keep repeating that we can't change others and must accept others (i.e. them) as they are. But I'm not ready to cut them off because (a) they're good grandparents and (b) they're the only parents I have, we don't have other family, and 75% of our interactions are totally fine.

I told them that if they want to blame me for our problems, fine. Can we please just agree that when we interact too much, we fight, everyone is very upset, and sometimes the children see behavior that no child should ever see? And as a solution, I will not stay at their place in the future and generally will limit interactions so that I can stay calm when they start up the manipulation.

Here's my problem. I feel like I'm stuck in a permanent grieving process. They act so nicely again and again, and I kind of drop my guard, but then they start in again. For example, they'll say, "Oh, why not stay at our place this time? It's just one night and you'll save $300!" Or "I miss you so much, I wish you would call more!" or "When you're older, you'll understand the error of your ways."
 
I know I should just politely deflect and move on, but I am just so, so hurt that they will not treat me like they do the others. I am so hurt that they will not acknowledge that I'm taking the responsibility of ensuring that we don't fight. Since I have to keep interacting with them, I don't see how I will ever get over this pain.

PS I tried therapy and it wasn't very helpful besides advising me to set the boundaries and limit contact. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics