Reply to Feeling friendless and unlovable. I am always the initiator. I feel sad.

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I often feel friendless and unlovable, but I'm rarely the initiator. I have really low self esteem and the main reason I don't initiate more often is that I assume people do not want to spend time with me. I do force myself to initiate sometimes, but then if people are not very receptive or don't seem to enjoy themselves, it will put me off it for a while. So I could be one of the people who you resent for making you the initiator. But the truth is that I recognize you initiate more and I feel guilty about it. I try to reciprocate but don't always feel good at it. I also have insecurities about my home (which is older and run down at an age when it feels like everyone else has a big new house) and my hosting skills and budget, and that makes me reluctant to reach out as much. I will say that I think I'm always very openly grateful to others when they initiate, and DH and I have a policy of saying yes to as many things as possible and offering to bring something, help pay, or contributing in some other way, since we know we do less on the actual initiating/hosting front.

One thing I will say is that perhaps you could identify the relationships where you find initiating feels worth it -- where those relationships feel equal when you are actually together, even if you are the person doing most of the arrangements. Do they express an interest in your life? Do they help with kids and meals or expect you to do everything? Etc.

And then I would drop the rope on the relationships that feel truly one sided. But maybe don't abandon the ones where the initiating is one-sided by the rest of the relationship is more equal. Some people simply are not planners, but that doesn't mean they don't bring anything to the table. Some people are great conversationalists, fantastic with kids, always remember what's going on in your life, etc. Don't overlook those contributions. Look at the relationship as a whole.[/quote]

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