Reply to Have you experienced this sibling dynamic? If so, how did you handle?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm not sure if I can convey a tone accurately here the way I want, but I'm going to try. I'd like to suggest (gently, kindly, in a way that acknowledges your undoubtedly good intentions) that you seem pretty overly-invested/involved in this scenario.

The set of dynamics you're describing from what you know of this friend's family are complicated, deep, long-standing, and the kind of thing we all struggle to navigate in our families. Complicated sibling dynamics, aging parents, a history of challenges with depression, financial stress, etc... - that's a lot. That is an awful lot. And none of that is yours in this scenario. That is what's on the plate of your friend.

You probably know from your volunteer work and training that you can't fix these kinds of things for someone else. It's hard enough to deal w/ one's own struggles like this, but if you are trying to figure out how to solve someone else's you're already behind the 8 ball.

And with a history of this friend turning to you for some sort of guidance or leadership, it's playing into your kind instincts and what I bet is a generally very nurturing nature.

I would argue that boundaries are really important for you, and in the long run, those same boundaries will be good for your friend.

You can listen, you can empathize, you can offer your advice if it is sought and if you wish to, but I really think you need to pull back from your current level of engagement. I think you feel stuck because you're outside your lane (to use management speak).

You're just a friend. That's it. Stay in that limited capacity. Your friend has to find her way through this herself, and with her family (or not) - you're just truly outside those circles - appropriately. So let that allow you to step back.

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Thanks for seeking a deft way to convey. I'll take another stab at describing the dynamic and maybe how this has gotten more complicated, at least in my mind. We started as boss/subordinate and morphed into mentor/mentee, even long after I left that organization. And I mean long. In some ways, we've both been probably trying to recalibrate more as friends for awhile. And there was a long period when she was estranged from her mother and I was pretty much the only constant in her life, especially as she went through some real hardships.

Our financial lives were also pretty similar as we were in the same work world, just separated by age and tenure. That took a turn for me over 20 years ago when I moved fields and DH's career really took off. We both had grown up working class, though in very different ways. I never have to worry about money now and I try to be generous when possible - covering dinner, Uber, etc. I know she knows we have money, but I'm not sure she really has a sense of just how much. This may not mean much if you grew up with money as DH did - it's just different.

And TBH, I've pulled back over the last few years or so. Pandemic probably playing some of a role as well as our kids graduating, then leaving for college over the last two years. I was pretty busy and not available in ways I had usually been. She was understanding and also expressed some frustration and hurt in the fall about it.

In some ways, I think she has treated me as the older sister she wanted/needed and is now doing similarly.

I know the mom a bit well and one of the older sisters to some extent - our kids' ages overlap.

So our lives have been enmeshed to some extent for a couple of decades.

I get what you are saying and thanks again for your thoughtfulness. I probably should just continue to respond with empathy as I have been doing to date. I do worry that her frustration/anger could all just blow up and be hard for the parents as well as my friend (and her future relationship with her siblings) at a super difficult time.

In some ways, I just don't have a lot more bandwidth for her depression/despair and I feel terrible writing that.

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