Reply to Academic Decline and Depression - Strategies for Balancing?

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Reply to "Academic Decline and Depression - Strategies for Balancing?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm seeking help changing my mindset about academic expectations. DD, 15, is bright and very capable, but has never been an academic superstar. That's fine. But, she also gets frustrated that she doesn't do better in school - yet it appears to me that she doesn't do a whole lot to change the situation.

That's where the dilemma arises. She has pretty extreme anxiety and, for essentially two years now, depression. We are working on that and she has good support.

If we push, she feels pressure. And it doesn't translate into improvements in grades. In fact, it can backfire.

She honestly seems unable to study for and/or take tests. She will NOT let us help. But it also appears she does not do the work require to do okay. Then she feels demoralized because she did badly. I learned long ago that pointing out that studying would have helped only leads to arguing. She feels badly enough already. Rinse repeat. I know some will say "tutors!" - but it's a "you can lead a horse to water" situation. She's not willing.

I know depression impacts her ability to focus. And I'm sympathetic. But I also know that she's closing doors of opportunity as the years go by. She is going to regret not putting in more effort, or at least regret not being able to put in more effort. But if we push her, her mental health suffers even more (low self-esteem).

How do we balance preserving her mental health now, while also setting her up for success in the future? It seems a no-win situation to me. I can't figure out how to communicate that grades are not the most important thing, but that they are important, because in reality, they are.

Thank you for advice from anyone who has been in this situation.
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Unfortunately  I don't have answers. But know you aren't alone, my DC is similar and older which means college looms close. Lots of supports are in place, but they can't seem to motivate and I fear the ship is sinking fast on their hopes for next year.  Nagging doesn't work and only leads to yelling which definitely doesn't work.  If others have successfully come out the other side, I'd love to hear what worked.  I'm not stuck on college next year, lots of people I know took unconventional paths but DC says they want it and it makes me sad that the anxiety seems to so paralyzing that it prevents any positive actions toward the goal.[/quote]

Yes - this is what is so hard. They want things - mine envisions going away to college too. But that requires certain things to happen now. While I'm okay with different paths, I'm not sure she will be, and regardless, the key is to have maximum choices. If you have the choice to go to college, but choose not to, it's different emotionally than not having the choice.

I know that there is always the small, nurturing, non-competitive route, but that's often very expensive. And honestly I'm not going to pay (and don't have the means to) for a school of that nature, when I honestly don't know if she'd do the work. In the end, college is still school. You will be expected to do the work. I actually think going away would be good for her - although she's unrealistic in her vision. She'd love to go away far (we're in MD, she says California). Truth is, she needs to go away, but not too far. And it's all moot if she doesn't improve in high school. She doesn't seem to understand that.
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