Reply to A relative died and I’m learning uncomfortable things about my mom

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[quote=Anonymous]I appreciate everyone’s advice.

I’m still confounded. The long lost relatives haven’t said anything bad about my mom only that they whenever they spoke with her, they asked for contact with me but she always turned them down. This went on for 25 years after I became an adult so I doubt it was about protecting me. In contrast, she constantly told me that they didn’t care about us and when I asked for their contact info, told me they wouldn’t welcome contact. Another piece of the mystery is that I had been abused by the other side of the family but my mother forced contact with the abuser’s wife on holidays and even my birthday for the rest of my years as a minor. She tried to force contact after I turned 18, but I refused. This was decades ago and she still brings up the time I refused to catch three buses to go visit my abuser’s wife on Christmas Day. When I had my oldest DC, my mother took DC for a visit to the abuser’s wife twice without my permission. I really don’t think cutting off the other branch of the family tree was to keep me safe.

DH has weighed in that my mother tries to mediate all of my relationships, but she does this to other people as well. Mainly her brother and sister. But also her sister and her nephew, whom my mom helped raise. She tried to play intermediary between them for years. Her siblings have joked about it, but there have also been misunderstandings she causes because she puts herself in the middle. I don’t think she has a sinister intent with them, just that she thinks she knows best how and when people should interact. I guess that extends to who should interact. She is not happy that I am in contact with the relatives I was involuntarily estranged from. I guess I just can’t talk about it at all with her.[/quote]

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