Reply to What sustains a marriage more -- good sex life or good friendship?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]For people who have experienced both types of relationships (physical chemistry driven versus friendship driven), which type would you consider more successful or which did you prefer?

I feel like the common refrain is "the physical side fades, so you need a solid friendship to sustain a marriage long term."  For me, I think the opposite has been true.

First husband and I got along great, loved talking and hanging out together, never fought --[b] but also almost never had sex, and that was a dark cloud over our entire marriage.
[/b]
My 8-year relationship with my current boyfriend has been very different.  It started with lust, and I didn't care that we had little in common because I just thought it would be a short fling.  But we never fell out of lust.  We also fight much more than my ex-H and I did.  We resolve our fights, but it's a bit tumultuous compared to my ex.  But damn, the sex tho.  It has been a salve that has gotten us through so many hard times.

I'm not suggesting physical chemistry could overcome abuse or mistreatment or intellectual unfulfillment.  But assuming a baseline level of compatibility in any relationship, for me, physical chemistry has been more healing and restorative of the woes in this relationship than a deep friendship was in my old relationship.

Same for anyone else?[/quote]

Same situation.

Sex is a barometer of marriage, if you aren't having good sex at least once a week, its probably because there is something deeply wrong with the marriage. Of course, [b]friendship is important but you can also get that outside the marriage. [/b]With sex, if you aren't getting it inside the marriage, you will eventually get it outside the marriage. Or if you remain faithful, the resentment will destroy all else.

[/quote]

NP. About the bold: The "friendship" happily married people talk about with their spouses is not the type of friendship "you can get outside the marriage." It's a relationship of true, mutual partnership; trust; and communication. The word "friendship" gets used for this but it's deeper, richer and fundamentally different from just being friends, even very close friends.

If someone's experience was one where sex was the sole glue, and they felt the friendship in the marriage was equivalent to any friendship outside marriage -- they didn't experience the form of marital "friendship" to which many people are referring. It's not something you get from any other friend. I wish there were a better, deeper term for that part of the marriage relationship as experienced in good marriages.

I do not believe sex is THE glue for us. I've been married nearly 30 years and sex is a fantastic thing but can wax and wane, and bodies and attraction change over time. The commitment of marriage is to the love that goes beyond the physical and the emotional partnership that can't be replaced by other "friendship outside marriage." I think that if sex is the sole or primary glue in the relationship, that puts a huge amount of pressure on the sexual aspect of the relationship ,and on the partners or spouses to be always focused on it.

And pressure does not contribute to good sex or happy spouses.[/quote]

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