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[quote=Anonymous]It's hard to deal with family members who do hurtful things, and hard to work around your own desire to have normal interactions with them that they are not capable of having. I'm sorry your brother was hurtful to you and your mother did not believe you or acknowledge your hurt. The gift thing is bizarre--if he's so committed to cutting you out, why is he acquiescing to her demand to send you a gift? All of your family's interactions are tied up with that childhood abuse and playing it out in different ways. She's controlling things and you're the victim again.

IME other people find it very easy to tell you to just cut people out, but IME I had many mixed feelings in doing that. Personally, I have found it more productive to work on drawing boundaries--if things get to be untenable, I can always cut her out. So for example, tell your mom that if she brings up your brother, conversations and visits will end immediately. And when it happens, just calmly say, Mom, I told you I won't talk about him. I'm leaving now, and I'll see you next week/visit/whatever. See what comes of that and if she is able to be more respectful of your boundaries. I was able to get my mom to basically stop bringing up my brother and it gave me a chance to focus on dealing with things in therapy.[/quote]

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