Reply to This dynamic is so frustrating!

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "This dynamic is so frustrating!"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]NP here. My own mother would do this crap.  Say awful and humiliating things about me at family gatherings (including my wedding), then brush it off as just good fun and I’m being too sensitive.  When she tried to gaslight about actual physical abuse she’d perpetrated on me as a child, it was the last straw.  I haven’t spoken with her in a few years. My siblings don’t understand it and think I’m being stubborn or selfish, when really I don’t want to be around a manipulative abuser who delights in making me look foolish in front of my family (including now my own children). No thank you.

OP, you have to evaluate what YOU need, reasonably, out of this situation. It doesn’t sound like you are trying to “win” so much as you are trying to establish boundaries with toxic people who for some reason are a part of your life.  Ask yourself: does this person, and the extended group need to be a part of my life?  If no, then don’t spend time with them.  If yes, establish appropriate boundaries.  For example, if you have an obligation to attend the family holiday party and this person will be there, practice gray rock greetings, responses and your poker face.  The key is to tread very shallowly with such people and never give them the pleasure of an emotional reaction. Godspeed to you.  [/quote]

This is good advice though admittedly I am very bad at gray rock greetings. Like my emotion just reads on my face, everyone knows, even when I think I have a poker face. But yes, you have to stay passive and calm anyway. Don't give them anything they can use against you because look at all these folks saying you're "causing drama" by just standing up for yourself. People are something else.

Thing is, at this point there's probably no way out. If they haven't apologized after years, they either aren't going to or that apology is never going to cover the scope of what they did. Because you're right that the real offense at this point isn't the original thing, though I'm sure that was unpleasant. The real offense is just flat out telling a loved one "you do not matter enough to me for me to just say I'm sorry I hurt you." Like that takes a large amount of disrespect. I have family members who drive me up the wall crazy, friends who I know are deeply flawed, and if one of them came to me and said "You hurt me," I'd apologize. If someone I love is like "something is not right between us" then I'm going to do what is in my power to try and make it right. And apologizing isn't hard because I really don't mean to hurt anyone ever. So if I did, even unintentionally, it's no skin off my back to say "I'm sorry I hurt you." Because I am! That's not how I want to go through the world. I might feel differently if someone really was asking all the time, if they were taking offense at every little thing, but like you said, this was one specific thing. That's really not much to ask at all.

So someone who can look at your hurt and say "Nope, not my problem," and then expect everyone to move on with their day? That's some serious disrespect. Way worse than insulting me or embarrassing me in public because that goes to the heart of our relationship and it means they just don't think I have the right to ask something like that. That's a big power imbalance to me. And to go on like that for years? Nope.

This person is never coming back, and anyone who is defending them or taking their side isn't your friend either. I say drop them. It sucks because letting go of relationships you've put work into is hard. But it's never going to feel good to exist in a space where people don't feel like you deserve this basic courtesy. You're always going to feel in the back of your mind like "Oh, I have less value than this other person." That's no way to live. You've got to go where you are loved and appreciated and unfortunately it is not with this particular group of people.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics