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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Do you do anything for your spouse during busy times/after a big project is done (or does your busy spouse)?  I am married to a law firm partner.  He has been crushed with work lately, and I give him a lot of grace during these times.  But when does it end?  When he has a free moment, he turns on baseball or soccer. I’m working, managing our house and kids and picking up all the slack and I feel like he can find 10 minutes to ask me how I’m doing, what’s something I’m excited about, etc.  He thinks we are fine but I am incredibly lonely.  Im just wondering how other couples with busy/demanding jobs find a way to connect with their spouse. [/quote]

This is why most biglaw partners wind up divorced.  The job takes all your energy, and you have nothing left for the people in your life.  If you have not already, you need to have "the talk" with your DH and tell him how you feel.  Maybe he will commit to making time for your family and your relationship and maybe he won't.  But, he definitely will not do it if you don't spell it out for him.  Do it sooner rather than latter, before the wall of resentment gets too high.[/quote]

As a law firm partner, I will add, it is not just the hours, but also the stress, the extremely high expectations, and especially if he is a litigator, the absolute garbage attitudes of other lawyers. This is why a lot of lawyers drink too much and veg out on phones/tv. It is an escape because the next day you will wake up and have to dive right back in -- for the next couple decades. And if you AREN'T busy, then you are stressed about business generation, getting the pipeline going, etc. I am fortunate to be at a place/stage where I am fairly secure (knock on wood) in my job, but at a lot of firms, even partners are on the razor's edge.

All that is to say that what you are seeing may only be the tip of the iceberg for stress. And the stress of not only providing for a family now, but also guaranteeing the pipeline into the future, is much more than the stress of balancing a job and maintaining the home, etc. That is not to minimize what you are going through, but to say that it is something to be considered when you are talking about the number of hours worked.

But, of course, he cannot just check out from his relationships. So yes, talk with him about finding ways to connect him back into the family life. He is not going to be happy sacrificing all the wonderful things in his life (your relationship, his relationship with kids and parents, health, hobbies, etc.) on the altar of Big Law money. So have an honest conversation about family life, time, finances, careers. But I think it is best to go into it with a full picture of the stress involved.[/quote]

Spouse of big law partner here. We know this well enough. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t bend over backwards and put our needs far down on the priority list so that our partners can manage their stress levels. I don’t think OP needs to know more about how hard the job is for her spouse. I imagine that she has been putting up with his not making the effort to talk to her for ten minutes and instead watch sports because she *knows* he is barely been hanging on by a thread and it isn’t just about hours.

It is soooo hard, so hard, to ask for more from a big law spouse, because we know they are already at the end of their ropes. What OP needs to keep in mind is not that because she has already more than internalized how hard it is for her partner. What she needs to consider more is that her needs are valid and that it’s not just okay but vital that she insist on more. [/quote]

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