Reply to Anyone with experience with un-charming narcissist family member?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't even know how to advise, and I was brought up with such people. Maybe a family member closer can try to stay in contact with the kid. It is not as if the kid is likely going to be like "help me, I am abused!" Whether it's emotional or physical abuse. But it will help kid if he knows other adults are there for him. Also keeps parents less abusive, if relatives are keeping tabs. Isolation makes for worse scenarios I think. But you are far away. And it's hard to keep contact with a kid if his parents hate you. So it would require some appeasing of the parents.[/quote]

Just wanted to add - not suggesting it is your place to appease the parents/stay in touch. Probably impossible and futile. But does the problem-person respect the kid's grandparents? If so, they are the ones who can keep an eye and not become alienated. You really can't do anything. Sorry. [/quote]

OP here. Thanks again for responding. The grandparents of the kid are parents of my DH and his 2 siblings, one of whom is the problem person. My MIL and DIL are genuinely nice, good people who seem to have done a great job as parents because DH and one of his siblings turned out great. Healthy people who are good parents. It's just this other sibling,

Unfortunately, I think DH's parents never really understood how to manage this one problem person. Always seem to have made allowances/ excuses for this person. It feels like anytime they've tried to point out some basic issue with problem person's parenting, the problem person reacts in what I now understand to be typical NPD (BPD) fashion.

The problem person (and spouse) are really not interested in caring for this kid. He's left at home alone, the house is truly filthy (which has undoubtedly exacerbated kid's asthma). He has no toys except tablet and laptop in his room, which he uses to watch You Tube videos non-stop. I doubt these parents are savvy enough to put blockers on web browsing, so who knows what he's seeing, since he has no enforced bedtime.

DH's parents also don't live in same town as problem person, but are at least somewhat geographically closer, and have had more visits. However, because I think they are somewhat in denial about the severity of their problem child's psychological issues, they have recently tried to talk to problem person about their concerns, and it seems to have backfired. Now I think problem person will limit access to their home (so people won't see how bad it is) and they've announced that there will be no more conversations about their parenting.

So now we have a mess. Theoretically all of us are supposed to be getting  at Christmas. I feel it's a bit hopeless for us to continue the charade of one big happy family, but I guess my in laws are still holding out hope.

Really appreciate all the insight folks have already provided. Guess I'm trying to figure out where we land on this. I'm reminded of the Serenity Prayer (which I think is helpful even if not religious).
Serenity to accept things I cannot change
Courage to change things I ca
Wisdom to know difference.

Wisdom, please! Thank you![/quote]

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