Reply to Anyone married to an immigrant who prefers his home country

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]Thomas Wolfe was right — you can’t go home again. [/b]

My entire childhood, my Mother yearned for the town she grew up in. We heard all about what a wonderful, magical place it was. Finally, after I went away to college, my parents moved back there. She hated it. I don’t know if the place had changed, or she had changed and the town hadn’t, but they left after a few years.

[b]If what your husband wants is to return to his childhood, that place isn’t likely to exist anymore. Even if his family is still there, visiting is very different from living with them every day. [/b]

However, sometimes it does work out — my DH and I moved to the town he grew up in, and we’ve really enjoyed it, so far. However, we moved here because it happens to be a really nice place that met all our criteria for retirement, and he had zero nostalgia or expectations related to his childhood or family. It’s a fresh start; it just happens to be in a familiar place. [/quote]

NP. The above PP (and Thomas Wolfe) are right. The "home" your DH is longing for is in his mind, not in Mexico today.

PP also makes an excellent point in saying that even if his family is still there, visiting is not the same as living with them every day. He may have a truly wonderful family there right now (my DH is an immigrant and his family is wonderful) but your DH needs to realize that if he returned there to live, day in and day out, the interactions would not be the same. He was a child (and teen/young adult?) there, and would return as an adult. The rose-tinted glasses would fall off pretty quickly.

I note you say he isn't talking about moving back there but does he wax lyrical about how wonderful it was? Does that make you feel insecure about his satisfaction with his life here and your life together?

If he occasionally shows fondness for his childhood memories, that's one thing, and it's fine and normal. But if he spends a lot of time talking negatively about his current life while comparing it to his idealized life as a kid in Mexico--that actually would be a problem, to me. There's a saying you might need to pull out and use gently on him, if he does that: "Comparison is the thief of joy."

I"m not saying his life there was anything other than genuinely lovely and idyllic, and it's great if he can remember that fondly, but if he uses it to compare to his life here, now, with you, that would be a concern. My DH had terrific parents, still has aunts and uncles he adores, and a sibling he gets along with wonderfully, and he treasures all that (as do I) but he would not [i]compare[/i] his life in his home country to his life here. If your DH is comparing and doing it frequently, you may need to point that out and talk to him about the fact it affects your feelings. [/quote]

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