Reply to Update to "Minimal amount of secret drinking"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Does thinking of alcoholism as a disease that he is struggling to control help as a frame?  His lying is part of the disease, not because he hates or disrespects you. You still have to take care of yourself and your daughter, but he is (probably) not deliberately trying to make your life miserable.  You can still love him and coldly and dispassionately leave him to protect yourself.  You don’t need to make yourself hate him first.  [/quote]

This is good advice. Don’t take his drinking personally but protect your person (and your kids).

OP, I left (or rather, told my now exDH to leave) for the same reasons you describe - secret drinking while he was caring for the kids.  His mom was an alcoholic, with a lifelong history of being in and out of rehab and sober or not.  So, I could very clearly see the enormous, lifelong negative impact of living with an alcoholic. It really messed him up psychologically, and there was no way I was going to allow that to happen with our kids. I was determined to break the intergenerational cycle of abuse.

I asked him to leave. Informally, I offered him 50/50 custody, but since he moved in with a friend for awhile, I retained full custody. I allowed him to visit in our home and made dinner and invited him. He would take the kids for one weekend day. He never showed up drunk, and I don’t believe he was drinking with them. TBH, sometimes he would cancel or cut short a day or even invite me along.  In his own heart, I think he knew when he was unsafe and just didn’t show up or left. It was disappointing for the kids. It was hard on me - to always be positive, to always be available, etc. - but I thought it was better that the kids were safe.  As they grew older, I thought they could protect themselves better.

In retrospect, perhaps I should have drawn harder boundaries and limited my time with him more.  Even though I believed we were cordial to each other, there was still an underlying tension that the kids picked up on but was never discussed - which is its own sort of mindf#^ck.

One thing that became over time is that my ex had serious mental health issues driving his substance abuse.  I encourage you to encourage your DH to visit with a psychiatrist ti address and anxiety, depression or hypomania that may be causing him to use alcoholism to self-medicate.

Ending the relationship was the best thing I ever did for all if us. I spent years talking to the kids about substance abuse and mental health.  Now in HS and college, neither of them are substance users or abusers AFAIK. They both handle their mental health responsibly with psychiatrists and therapists.  They have a decent relationship with their dad, although they view him as a bit irresponsible given the ways in which he has disappointed them.  But, it’s better than having grown up with an alcoholic.

One of the keys to all this is that early on I jettisoned my anger about him and accepted that I could never rely on him for anything - no babysitting, no parenting at all. That recognition has made life much easier for all of us.  It’s definitely affected my career negatively and my financial situation (although he pays child support).

Al anon is good but please get yourself an individual therapist to help you figure your way through this.

As for him - you are free to end the marriage at any time. No one has to live with alcoholism.  Whether you stay or go, you need to sit down with him and essentially say, “I appreciate that you are trying to stop drinking. But what happened - you relapsing and drinking - is an indication that you need more support to stop. Let’s figure out what that is.”. Be prepared to offer - psychiatry appointment, therapist appointment, outpatient rehab program appointment, or inpatient rehab.  You will likely have yo do the legwork on figuring out the options, availability and cost. Do either if you have employment benefits like an EAP? [/quote]

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