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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am the parent of a 4yo boy who is generally a very kind and engaged little guy. We have high (and age appropriate) standards for his behavior. Excessive whining, complaining, rudeness, unkindness is just not tolerated around here. And how we have run things has been fine but now as he is moving into little kid territory I need a gut check.

As of late the eye rolling, whining and even 4yo sarcasm is leveling up. I know he is testing boundaries and so a certain amount of this I just have to let go sometimes, I think. Esp in the evenings after long days at school and trying to get him in his bedtime routine, I'll let things slide a little more. But I wanted to check with the "strict" parents, what is your rudeness boundary? How much attitude do you let slide before a consequence? FWIW he doesn't do this to others like his teachers or babysitters.

As an example, this morning I asked him to go pick out clothes and he rolled his eyes and walked out of the room, ignoring me as I called his name repeatedly.  "Consequences" often include me scooping him up and saying, "Oh wow you seemed to have forgotten you kindness just now! How about you take a break until you can show me you know how to be kind." Or something of the sort. It does work but should I be doing that with every huff and eyeroll? [/quote]

We have high standards for behavior. In our house we are trying to use the Mariposa approach. What I like about it is that it builds in constant practice on emotional and social skills as context for values of how to treat people and express yourself.

You can check it out if you’re interested, but the core is using empathy to acknowledge feelings, followed by I messages, and then collaborative problem solving and strategic discipline. When done effectively it helps your child to spontaneously express consideration and empathy in their words and actions towards others. I find it more effective personally at this age than ultimatums and rules.

In this case, I agree that mentioning kindness in the abstract and scooping him up isn’t really the most specific way to reinforce the behavior you want to see. It creates a dependence on you doing something to him, and might also actually incentivize the behavior if he is seeking negative attention. You could try saying, Larlo, I noticed when I called your name that you rolled your eyes. Are you feeling frustrated because you don’t want to stop what you are doing? Listen and empathize with his feelings by recognizing, you really wanted to keep walking/playing and that felt like an interruption. You really don’t want to be told what to do right now when you’re in the middle of something. Get to the bottom of what he really feels. Then, I message: When I hear a grunt or see an eye roll, I feel sad and ignored. Don’t say more, let him think about it. By that point in the conversation my 4 year old might apologize or hug me. If yours doesn’t, you could tell him, I still love you, but I just want to tell you that when you roll your eyes or sigh and don’t turn around, I feel sad and I’m also worried I won’t be able to get your attention if I need to tell you something important. As this moves along, try and work on the problem together — you feel X, I feel Y. What can we do so we both feel good? That’s teaching them to slow down, communicate, and work things out with friends by acknowledging everyone’s feelings and perspectives. [/quote]

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