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[quote=Anonymous]DH and I have been married 8 years and I've wanted out probably for 6 of those years. It started with a toxic in-law dynamic. DH's parents didn't want him to marry me because I'm of a different race. I sensed it before we married and pressed DH about it repeatedly, but he lied to me and told me I was paranoid. After we got married and conceived, I guess his parents realized this wouldn't be a quickie marriage. They switched from distant and passive-aggressive to overtly hostile and racist. I found out they had been pressing DH to break up with me literally since he told them about me -- even before they met me. I was so angry with DH. If he had admitted what I felt -- that my race was a problem -- I would never have married him. DH did nothing about their behavior while pressuring me to say nothing -- even when they said racist things about our children.

Over the years, I lost respect for him and then I started resenting him. He came to resent me too for "dividing" his family. A year before the pandemic, I told his parents they were no longer welcome in our home and I told DH he could get out too if he had a problem with that. I meant it. We tried counseling and DH led off with so many lies that I decided I wasn't going to waste hundreds per hour on such a charade. It just made me resent him more. I hired a divorce attorney, but then the pandemic hit, we were stuck quarantining together, and DH's mother died. She was a truly horrible woman and her death was a great relief to me. DH grieved her like he wanted to die with her.  I struggled to empathize with him, especially because he had never empathized with my losses over the years. DH became as resentful towards me as I was towards him.

Nowadays, we're stuck together. Things are mostly calm and when we're doing things with the kids, we're like old friends. There's a certain warmth that comes out of our love for the kids. Both of our kids are very happy and I don't believe breaking up their family is the best move. Nonetheless, I'm lonely and I miss having love in my life. DH and I don't have sex nor do we want to touch each other. We don't trust or confide in each other. I don't like him most days -- it's amazing how many little quirks become almost intolerable when you resent someone. Anyway, I know most people here will scream divorce, but I don't think that's best for my kids. DH doesn't want to divorce. I think he's someone who would rather be in this empty husk of a marriage than alone. I'd love advice from couples who have dealt with this level of resentment and disconnection.  Does living separate lives get better?  Does the connection ever return?  Is this all there is to life?[/quote]

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