Reply to 6 months post-affair and still struggling

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Just an observation: You clearly seem to want and expect the therapist to take your side in all of this. That's not a therapist's role. And you may perceive that your therapist is taking your husband's side, but s/he is not. A therapist doesn't take sides.

Observing that an affair is a symptom of a troubled marriage is not the same thing as saying a rapist was asking for an attack by wearing a short skirt, so while I realize in your mixed-up mind (and I mean that gently) that seems like an apt comparison, it's actually a deeply offensive one. I wouldn't repeat that in real life to anyone, because to most people you WILL sound crazy. It's actually quite common for a therapist to note the affair is the symptom and not the cause.

You're angry, I get it. You were betrayed, and you're entitled. But if you truly want this to work, you're going to have open yourself up to self-reflection and not internalize every unflattering observation about you. Leaving him is also a valid course of action, especially given how you feel. But, I would just caution that leaving won't be a panacea either. You need to heal yourself as much as your marriage. And that begins by lowering your dukes a bit.[/quote]

I'm 7:36 and 7:42 (also experiencing healing from an affair) and I actually think this post has some great points.  Yes, this is not your fault (not my fault either).  I was experiencing the same bad marriage problems that my husband was experiencing and I chose to stay faithful.  He was the one who cheated.  But I definitely had to see his cheating as a symptom of a greater problem - one that I played a role in creating.  I have had to be very self-reflecting and work hard to change along with my husband, even though (as my therapist frequently says), it is not my FAULT that this happened and my admitting I need to change in some ways does NOT excuse his behavior.  But if I really want the marriage I think I want, some of it is on me.

And the PP is right - leaving won't instantly make everything better.  A few of my friends are going through divorces and only one of them is truly doing better at this point.  I am working hard on my marriage for one, for the kids, but two, because I think that in my case anyway, staying married (assuming my husband keeps working hard too) will be better than leaving him and dealing with custody of two young kids and all that.  But of course, others experiences may be different.[/quote]

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