Reply to S/O of asking favors from creative professionals

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You need to get comfortable saying no. Stop making it personal. Just say, I wish I could help, I just don't have the bandwidth. You do creative work - it's still work.[/quote]

I know!! That’s why I liked the posters in the other thread saying that Op needed to respect her friend’s boundaries even if she didn’t understand them. How do you get better at saying no? Partly it’s a fear of outcomes like exactly the one in the other thread—that if you say no to the favor the other person will take it as a rejection/sign you don’t feel the same degree of closeness and withdraw their own kindnesses. This is where I feel like socialization has really screwed women. We’ve been socialized to be so agreeable that we sometimes interpret healthy boundaries as being dismissal/lack of reciprocity etc. Is this partly bc we say yes so often when we’d rather say no that we’re resentful when others don’t over extend themselves in the same ways?[/quote]

New poster. OP, is that you posting just above? This is a very perceptive post. Stop and re-read it again, OP. You are spot on about how socialization affects this scenario.

Note too that you equate, above, what YOU do professionally (your work) with others "kindnesses" (not work). That's what you're doing when you say you fear people will "withdraw their kindnesses" if you say no to doing your WORK for them for free. Don't equate the two things. Unless your friends are offering to trade you actual goods or services for which they'd otherwise get paid, in exchange for your own services for which you would otherwise get paid -- there is no equivalency. Remind yourself of that.

I like the reply from a PP who said to come up with something like, "I don't have the bandwidth." In your shoes I would craft a statement you always, always use when asked for your professional services for free. Memorize it like a script and deliver it with breezy, friendly confidence. Something like, "I'm glad you like my creative work. I've found I can't do it on the side any more since doing it professionally takes up my work time." Or something like that. If someone tries to say, "Oh, it can wait, we can talk about it later/that could wait until you're less busy" etc., well, be ready for that kind of thing. There are people who are not capable of hearing the "No" in your softer statement. So you might need to be more blunt with them: "I'm not trying to put you off until later. I really don't do my [creative job] on the side for friends any more but if you're interested in it as a client, let me know and I'm glad to send you my rates."

If you have already been doing "favors" of your work for friends, you will have to deal with a period when some might say, "But you did it for Sally at cost" etc. If you've established a precedent of doing your job for free for friends, you'll have to be all the more firm as you stop doing that. Do not let the precedent make you feel you now must do X for Jenny because you did it for Sally already. [/quote]

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