Reply to What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I learned that my parents were bad at communicating with me and my siblings as kids. They didn’t talk to us about what was going on in our lives very much at all, didn’t ask us about school, didn’t help us research colleges or figure out what we wanted to do after high school, never talked to us about relationships or had “the talk” about changing bodies/puberty/periods/sex. They just expected us to figure things out for ourselves and gave basically no advice or guidance. I really never contemplated this before. In fact I think when I was a teenager, I was grateful they were so distant bc I didn’t have to have uncomfortable conversations with them but now that I’m a parent, I think their reluctance to talk to us about these things or offer advice was a big mistake and made my young adult life a lot more difficult to navigate than it would have been if I had parents who guided me more. I’m trying to not go too far to the other extreme with my kids (I don’t want to be overbearing or intrusive) but I do want them to feel that they have been adequately supported and counseled through their childhood, particularly the middle-high school and college years.[/quote]

This. One of the reasons I realized this is because when I had kids, I kind of assumed my parents would be some kind of resource -- that they could provide some guidance because obviously they've done it before. But it was just more of the same. I know some people complain about having overbearing parents who give them too much unsolicited advice and are too involved in their lives. But I honestly just don't think my parents are interested in me as a person. That's had a really powerful impact on me as an adult, as I've realized that my family is not something I can rely on when I experience difficult or disappointment elsewhere. I have had to construct my support system from scratch, and I always envy people who can turn to their parents when they need love and support.

I am definitely working to make sure my kids know that they can turn to us whenever they need help, and to provide them with information and context for the world so they don't have to go it alone like I did. I also don't want to be smothering or overbearing. Since I don't have a good example from my own parents, I actually try to think of it as being a good manager at work. I don't want to micromanage my kids -- I want to facilitate them so they can achieve their goals. It sounds corny and cold but it's really the best way I've come up with to think about it, because while I didn't have supportive parents, I have been lucky to have a couple excellent managers and work mentors.[/quote]

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