Reply to Would you cut off an evil, toxic mother?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am very torn about a situation. My mother has always been pure evil. She berated me on a daily basis since I was a young child, swearing at me, calling me horrible names, telling me how horrible, lazy, stupid, mean, worthless I was, etc. [b]She was a single parent [/b]so I had no one else to go to for love. She withheld any affirmations of love or even physical touch like a hug my entire upbringing. Now I am in my 30's and have a wonderful husband and children. I have a lot of shame and insecurity I carry with me and I find it gets so much better when I go longer without talking to her. She brings me right back to that childhood in any conversation and I have to start all over on the work I have done in therapy. I saw two therapists who insisted I cut her off. I am better without her but I also feel guilty because she provided for me physically, with clothes, meals, opportunities like college and a home. She is better than she was before but she can can turn in 2 seconds flat if she starts to feel tired or unwell and get back into that evil personality and she lacks boundaries and control. Is this a situation you would cut your mother off or [b]would you indulge her with a few trips a year even if it was extremely stressful and hurtful for you?[/b][/quote]

Yes. 
You are you. You are doing you. You do not reflect other people. She is your mother. She might have had horrible mother
and  she might not know what love is or how to show affection. She had no support to raise you,  you have your wonderful husband. It could have been very difficult for her to raise you, maybe she had no idea how, maybe she had
some emotional and mental issues, maybe she made a choice to keep you and not to abort or give away for adoption
but that turned to be beyond her parenting skills and emotional capacity.  Maybe she realized that raising you
depraved her somehow from other options which is not good reason to be mean to a child however
some people have very simple minds inside and when they are miserable and in pain of loneliness they came up with
strange and cruel coping mechanisms taking it on kids. It is not that they often can help it as if they could they would,
this is people with some problems so it is different to judge them.

It is how you treat her now. You. It is all about you because she was not a good mother to you so
in theory she does not deserve good treatment,  yet she raised you, provided you with food, 
shelter and roof over your head so that is worth something. I don't k now how it is to be a single
parent but it must be extremely painful and difficult process. Give her some credit for that
to balance some of the evil you endured.

Maybe all she wants now is a little love and pampering, however hard it is, she might have
never actually experienced it and all she knows was hardships. That can also be tough on
people and can worsen mental conditions. She might be bipolar or have other issues now
that you can not see for what it is but she might not be able to control them at all.

If you will be nice to her and put up with her and have some relationship with her,
it is kind of like  you are becoming her mother she never had in those last years she has left.
She might need this from you and you might need this to heal. Being nice and forgiving
to someone who mistreated you can be very healing for you.

You need to keep some emotional distance inside not to take things personally,
she can NOT hurt you now, you don't depend on her. You choose what to do
but if you choose to be nice and forgiving, this will keep you warm for the rest
of your life when she will be gone and one day she will. Being sick and tired
tells you she is on decline and you never know when she might be gone.
When that day will come, even if she was the worse ever, you will miss her
because you have only one mother, everyone does. And no matter what
she did love you however in her own way and more then anyone ever will.
Some people can  not show love but it does not mean they are not
loving their children.

If it gets tough, make trips shorter or less frequent but do not cut her off.
Those who tell you you should, will not pay the emotional price that you will
if you do. She did support you no matter what you say, through great part
of your life, you don't need to give as much as she did, you don't need
to financially support her, or to give her shelter or food like she did
but few visits now and then do not seem excessive for all that.

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