Reply to Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have no idea why anyone in your situation would have ever gotten remarried. Helpful, I know. Why on earth did you marry this man? Is it because your exes moved on, and you wanted to look like you still “had it” and weren’t knocked on your @ss by your divorce to your social circles? Is it because you were scared of aging alone, and you thought this would insure against that? Was this an affair that became public and you needed to “legitimize” it by getting married? You seem like a planner with foresight, so I’m stumped.

You have gained nothing and even his kids will be further screwed when they apply for college financial aid. There’s already going to be a rift between the kids when one set has college paid for, but now his kids will hate you even more when they have to account for your income in the college application process, but won’t benefit from it.

I’d tell DH what you laid out here. I’d be completely resentful if I were in your situation, too. Tell him that he needs to nut up and get CS out of his ex or that this isn’t going to work out long term. [/quote]

Since my question was financial this is the money/finance forum, I focused on those details. Neither of our respective exes have moved on, neither of us was afraid of being alone, neither thought we'd marry again, and we both had/have strong community and social connections. I did not think I'd ever want to marry again. But we met (after divorce), moved slowly, enjoyed the hell out of each other, and our daily lives are much better together. Our kids get along well and we each get along very well with each others' kids. We don't "parent" or discipline each others' kids, our own only. It's worked extremely well for us. DH has a good salary, is highly respected in his field and loves his work. Same for me. We both have a lot of flexibility and a rich home life.

We started living together after several years, and only after all 4 kids asked us to do it. At first we didn't marry because neither of us needed that part of it. [b]After consulting with lawyers and looking at the big picture,[/b] it was clear to us that even with living wills and powers of attorney, we couldn't replicate all the protections and benefits of marriage. The prenup protected my assets (including my retirement fund), and we both have estate plans that we want for now (assets going to our respective kids). One financial reason for marriage was significant mutual savings on health insurance (we save $1500+/month).

We have a strong partnership in most respects and we're both awed, nearly 10 years in, by being together. Every couple has their issues, and this is the thing that bothers me the most.
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You missed a pretty significant portion of the "big picture."  Be awed all you want; you still (i) screwed his kids when it comes to cllege, unless you help pay for it, and (ii) will end up supporting him in returement.

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