Reply to Daughter's Behavior Toward Parent/Family and Attitude vs Gratitude

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[quote=Anonymous]I’m having trouble reconciling my D17’s behavior and attitude toward family, and gratitude in general, with large expenses - including college.

She is currently a senior and applying to colleges.  She is a stellar student; 4.3GPA, a national champion in a prestigious academic activity, a 1530 SAT score, and an impressive internship.

She is applying to the absolute top Ivy’s and will apply to her 1st choice early action.  I think she has a great chance of getting in.  Her mother and I are divorced and is claiming she has no money so I’m sure I’ll be expected to pay any out of pocket costs.

My daughter is a normal teenager in so many ways; headphones in, phone in hand, eyes on screen, mumbled answers to questions, always in her room with the door closed, clipped conversations, etc, etc.  Some good days and conversations are interspersed but the majority of the time it’s the former.

Fine. I don’t like it but I get it; Teenagers. Whatever.  But there’s more to it, and here’s my conundrum:

[b]She has a history of being absolutely VICIOUS and personally attacking toward me (and her mother) when she’s angry.  [/b]

- This is far beyond teen temper tantrums. This is biting and calculated with obvious thought behind it so to be as hurtful as possible.    
- The things she has said in these situations are by FAR the worst things anyone has ever said to me (her mother feels the same way).  I never would have CONCEIVED of talking to my parents that way.  
- Past episodes have ruined a trip to Europe, a family Christmas visit, and were a blight on a trip to Boston (which was for her). 
- On a recent trip to visit family she brought her aunt to tears by being so rude and disrespectful.

[b]She rarely has shown me gratitude, or anyone else for that matter.[/b]

- She has never written a thank you note to anyone for anything, despite my constant urgings.  
- She is always asking for money for herself and things like Mother’s Day, Mom’s Birthday, etc.  But I know for a fact that her mom gave her some money to get me a little something for my birthday (I don’t ever care about getting presents), but she just texted “Happy birthday” without a card or just offering to spend a couple of hours with me. Instead, she spent the money on herself.

[b]She makes no effort to include me or extended family in her life.[/b]

- I know it’s probably the age, but she will barely have a conversation with me - ever.
- She refuses to tell either her mom or me about any negative aspects of her life.
- When I ask her to pick up the phone to say hello to grandparents, or aunts, she protests and is often “too busy” - but this has gotten slightly better recently.  I just insist because that’s non-negotiable.  
- Despite the fact that she has never once called her grandparents of her own volition, and only spends time with them once a year when forced to, she asked me “Do you think they would help pay for college?”  I simply said “Well, you can call and ask.”
- I have been asking her to set a time when we can go to dinner to celebrate a couple of achievements (2mos ago).  She has little interest and keeps scheduling things with friends instead.

Lastly; the other day when I wanted to talk about college with her and simply be included in the discussion, she said in a snotty tone…

[i]“Why?  You don’t need to know anything because this is my thing, and mom and I already have it handled.  You don’t need to be part of the process because it’s more work for me to tell you AND mom what’s going on.  All I need from you is to tell me how much money you make, how much you have, and how much you’re willing to pay”.  [/i]

Wow.  I told her not to speak to me that way and you can imagine where it went from there.

The message I have always tried to teach her is this:

[i]People are committed to that which they are a part of.  [/i]

Your family will be there for you, but you need to be there for your family.  The only thing your parents, grandparents, and extended family want from you is a bit of your time and your love; not gifts, presents, or things.  Just allow us to share in your happiness and be there for you when you're down and you'll have a mountain of support and love to stand on.

[b]So the bottom line, and my question... Do you think this position is unreasonable:[/b]

My love and emotional support are unconditional, and there is nothing that will ever change that.  I will be there for you whenever and wherever you need me.  The door to our home (my home will always be yours as well) and my heart are always open to you.

But my material and financial support are 100% conditional.  If you continue to disrespect, marginalize, even exclude me from  your life, and make me feel so hurt and insignificant, then don’t expect much financial or material support.  You can’t disrespect someone and then ask for their money.

Thanks for your time - sorry this got a bit long.
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