Reply to Baby-related chores when DH is in leave

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Please let me know if I have unrealistic expectations. We have a 4 month old and a 3 year old. I recently went back to work and DH is taking parental leave with the baby. I’m pumping at work and the baby is bottle feeding during the day, so obviously that means a lot of bottles and pump parts to wash. Our evenings are pretty tight—the kids’ bedtime routine starts an hour after I get home—so I’ve been washing the bottles/pump parts after the kids go to bed. DH washes some during the day but there’s usually a backlog to tackle at night. I try to get to bed before 10 because I usually do an overnight feeding. I shower at night to save time in the mornings, and I pump before bed. So my evenings after the kids go to sleep look like this: wash bottles/pump parts, which takes a surprisingly long time; get pump parts ready for work tomorrow; scarf down dinner; shower; pump; bed. DH does a dreamfeed bottle around 10 and is in bed by 1030. The problem is this: while I am washing bottles and pump parts, DH is typically just relaxing. He eats dinner (some nights I don’t even have time to eat), reads, watches TV, plays on his phone. A couple nights he said he’d do some of the washing, but it wasn’t done once I finished my shower, so I just did it and went to bed later. I strongly prefer having the pump parts clean before I go to bed so they have plenty of time to dry and I can grab them in the morning. I have avoided asking DH for help because (as noted) that has resulted in a later bedtime for me and because we often end up fighting when I ask him for help. He tends to react very defensively, as if every request for help is an accusation that he isn’t doing enough. (I admit that I am not always the most diplomatic.) Last night I kind of lost it after spending my entire evening washing bottles and tending to the toddler (while he read a book), and he responded with a list of household chores he completed over the course of the day. It’s true that in some ways I have more freedom than he does during the day, since I’m at work and he’s home with the baby. But I also know that he does have downtime during the day (certainly more than I did on leave), because she has a pretty consistent nap routine now and she eats quickly. And obviously I have to commute and, you know, work. Am I expecting too much? I feel like I have 15 minutes of downtime during the evening while he gets hours. How do I communicate this to him? How can I be more diplomatic when I’m so tired and pissed off?[/quote]

When and how much downtime he has with a 3 yo also in the mix? Are you sure of that?  If he can't clean up  your pump parts fast enough for your liking, can you come up with something else he can do? Also, you either get help and things are not done 100% your way, or you get stuck doing them perfectly yourself... This is going to apply the rest of your life, unless you marry someone who is faster, cleaner, more baby oriented, and a chore loving maniac. But even then...[/quote]

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