Reply to separation/divorce/coparenting when one spouse travels a lot for work

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My soon to be ex has been increasingly expected to travel for work. He's had around 4 work trips these last few months, with his last trip spanning 8 days. He is asking for 50/50 custody but I feel that if he is continuing to travel this much, it can't possibly be 50/50.

Wondering how others navigate this when you have children in the picture. How to keep it fluid for them with changing care schedules?  What should I have written into a divorce agreement?

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If your agreement isn't final, you still have time to change it (I hope).  Have you outlined the right of first refusal so that you are offered his custodial days when he travels?

I'm in the same boat where my estranged DH travels and works late, yet wants 50/50.  It's not realistic, obviously, but there is no dissuading him.  I still haven't quite figured out how to best navigate it, so I'm here for tips too. [/quote]

No, nothing is finalized. It helps to know there are others out there going through this because I'm feeling alone. I hope we learn something here. [/quote]

I'm the PP above, back again.  From what I've gathered, it takes a lot for the courts to not allow 50/50 if one parent wants it - even with travel. It's very disheartening.  My ex's travel is last minute, but I've decided to suck that up for the added time with and stability for my children.  (I believe it's more stable for them to be at either of our homes rather than elsewhere).

I document all his travel and the timeline in which he asks.  It's also been a fine line to navigate in terms of makeup time.  I want to make sure I put the kids needs first in seeing him, but also maintain my boundaries for plans already made on my time. It is a constant challenge.  But his attitude towards me makes me feel better about keeping these boundaries and not rolling over (anymore) for everything he wants.  [/quote]

Thanks for the insight. And yes, it seems 50/50 is the standard.  I am also trying to document all the travel and all the time I've been caring for the kids. I don't want to nickel and dime on me caring more for them, since I do want to be with them, but the bottom line is his schedule doesn't give me the support to get back on my feet and I want to be sure this doesn't negatively impact me further in the future with job prospects or needs they have. And navigating boundaries will be part of this process for me. He has overstepped and walked on me so its tough to regain power without a job/income.[/quote]

Is his travel mandatory? You can say No to caring for the kids during his time, and then he has to either find alternate care or decline the travel at work. Raising kids is hard work, and very inconvenient at times, and it shouldn't only affect one parent's career.

Even if you end up with 50/50 make sure the custody agreement addresses travel and whether you are responsible for providing him with make-up time for travel planned with less than X amount of notice, and make sure that HE is responsible for finding alternate childcare in the event that you are unable to take them (pre-planned work travel of your own, pre-planned solo vacation, pre-planned WHATEVER of yours) and that he can in no way expect you to just drop all things to care for the children when he goes on last minute travel.

I know everyone wants to think that this is SO EVIL of me, but there have been times when I've been unable to pick up the slack for my ex - like when I had to go to a memorial service for a childhood friend who died by suicide and already had plane tickets. He worked it out, and the kid is fine.
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I'm the PP - the back again one. I don't think that's evil at all.  I think it's more than perfectly fine.  For me, the struggle is with knowing he would never not go on a trip, and where my children would end up/who would be watching them.  There is a history there that I won't go into, but I'd like to avoid my children being where I assume he'd have them stay.  That said, I also struggle with not wanting them to ever feel like a burden or a hot potato - b/c there is so much travel, last minute change, etc. I don't want them to feel like they are something to be dealt with. I'm not trying to martyr myself - seriously - but this dynamic, as well as making sure they see me as setting healthy boundaries, is something  I am definitely working on.  [/quote]

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