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[quote=Anonymous]I have a mid-twenties adult daughter with this as a “probable” diagnosis that was given at age 18 after extensive evaluation. We were told that she was a bit young for a “final” diagnosis, but the diagnosis fits.  My daughter experienced a traumatic childhood for many years. She was adopted by us at age 8. She had many years of therapy until she was 18 and then chose to stop therapy. I have come to a place in the past 5-6 years of using the SET approach with her in our conversations. Support-Empathy-Truth. This has helped me to maintain the emotional connection which she needs for attachment and stability while also providing the truth that is also needed. She comes up with some internal narratives that do not match reality and these narratives cause her stress. She also burns bridges everywhere she goes due to these narratives she tells herself which are not based on reality. They come from a place of trauma, fear, and then disassociation. So the SET approach works really well for me (you can google that).  I also have a specific day of the week that we talk on the phone. This gives her structure and a sense of consistency. We talk and text on other days, but I always reach out on our day. There is an underlying deep fear of abandonment and so I am to be calm, loving, and consistent. I practice mindfulness and I meditate. I also have learned a bit about Mindful self-compassion as a healing modality for the shame that can be part of BPD. So I use many of the phrases in my texts to her. She is very responsive to that language as it is familiar to her from her DBT therapy. I just aim to remind her gently now and again of what she already has learned and what skills she already has.

This is NOT an easy parenting path. Read everything you can. Regular parenting techniques don’t work. Do NOT get on the rollercoaster of reactivity with someone with BPD. I have found I have to be super consistent and reliable and use my SET technique. I also have learned to let go of what I can’t control.... like the number of jobs she has quit or been fired from, the number of friends she has lost etc. I am not going to replace those jobs or those friendships; I am just going to be her MOM and that’s a big enough task most days!

On Mother’s Day, she sent me a text saying “I am glad you became my mom because I became loving because of you.” That has helped me to see that this is worth it.

Also: I am not on social media because it helps me to keep my sanity by not seeing the stuff she posts, much of which is attention-seeking, deliberately vague, and often misleading or untrue. So I keep my peace of mind and serenity by not reading that.

Also: my experience is as the mother of someone with BPD. My strategy works for me because I am NOT the partner, spouse, daughter or sibling of someone with BPD, all of which would be very much harder or impossible. I would never date or marry someone with BPD. Ever. This condition means that there is minimal reciprocity a lot of the time and that would be unacceptable in a marriage or committed partnership or even a close friendship. This only works in my circumstance because I am the mother in this situation, which is what OP asked about, and I have intentionally committed myself to being this child’s mother from the day I adopted her and I am needing to learn how to do that as I go. This is a special needs situation and I am learning how to work with it. It’s not perfect for sure. 
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