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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I do think there is truth to what PP seems to be saying here. Most teens rebel a little bit no matter where the boundaries are drawn. And it's worth considering that you might think about making your rules reflect the boundaries slightly tighter than those which you would feel comfortable having your teen break without getting into too much trouble. That way, when she does rebel, she won't have to go too far in order to get the desired rush and reaction. And maybe it won't be something incredibly devastating. Worked with my two.[/quote]

Very interesting point. What did you talk about with you kids and what were the boundaries you set for them?[/quote]

PP that you asked this of here. Our boundaries may seem strict to some, but when it came to drugs/alcohol, we basically said that we will not condone breaking the law. So yes, this included alcohol usage. Just because some high schoolers (or underage college students) do it, doesn't mean that it buys them a free pass if they get caught drinking underage at a party that is raided or at a public park where they're sneaking it with their friends, etc. And we pointed out that violating different laws obviously have different consequences (like there's definitely a hierarchy of offenses, so it's not like we'd treat having a beer the same as stealing from the drug store) but the bottom line is that we weren't comfortable with our kids breaking the law. It seemed like a pretty reasonable argument to make. But we also added the idea that many kids drink because they are bored or don't know how to be social otherwise. And most teens don't really like the taste, so are usually just engaging in the activity to be cool or to get drunk, which can be pretty reckless. So we encouraged them to develop more creative ways to bond with peers. I know one of our kids decided not to drink and the other one did have a few drinks at various parties. But even though I guess you could say that one rebelled in that sense, neither ever thought it was "cool" with us. And I'm actually okay with that because I think for the one who chose to drink, it helped her moderate that so that it wasn't excessive (she didn't want us to know and didn't want to get caught or do something dumb as a result of being wasted, etc.)

For sex...well that was more of a religious matter with us, so maybe it's not relevant to your household, I don't know. But ours was not a hell, fire, brimstone argument. But more of a "you can choose not to follow this path, but this is why we feel that this was designed to be experienced within the context of marriage" etc. One of our boundaries to help limit temptations with this was that we did not allow them to have kids of the opposite sex in their rooms (both our kids happen to be hetero), and no visitors allowed when we weren't home. You can't "control" what they do all the time, obviously, but I think for us it was important to say "this is something we do to help manage the inevitable temptation" not "we don't trust you so these are the rules!" If one of our kids really wanted to, I'm sure they would have (or did?) found a way, but I also think that, for us, it was being consistent with our rules that helped them know that we wanted to create an environment where these rules were easily honored.

Hope this helps.

[/quote]

OP again.  Thanks for this response. I agree that I don’t want DD to think I’m cool with the possibility of her drinking and I honk your idea to make the rule stricter than what I will actually accept is a pretty good one.

To the PP who said I turned out ok so I should just do what my parents did—even though I think you’re being facetious, I’ll respond—my parents trusted me because I told them nothing and, in comparison to an extremely difficult older cousin, I didn’t take a lot of parenting. That’s not the type of relationship I have with my kid and she doesn’t have the benefit of the difficult cousin example.[/quote]

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