Reply to Teens raised in progressive religious home choosing not to be confirmed

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[quote=Anonymous]ok, OP, I have lots of thoughts on this as I've been through it myself.  (fyi we are Catholic).

When I was to get confirmed, I was in 8th grade.  Everyone said it was my choice.  I decided I didn't want to.  Suddenly the pressure was on, and long story short, my mom made me get confirmed.  I was so pissed off.  I chose Joan of Arc as my saint because I wanted to burn down the church (I know, I totally confused her manner of death with her fighting spirit)

Anyways, now in the Archdiocese we are in (Los Angeles), they've changed the rules and the kids get confirmed at the end of 10th grade (so, around 16 y.o.).  It's a 2 year program starting in 9th.

I think this is a bad set up.  I believe it's because most Catholic schools end in 8th grade, and then lots of kids go to non-Catholic schools, and the Archdiocese is trying to hold on to them longer.  But it's a set up to have a higher drop out rate, because

1) kids at this age are wired to rebel,

2) kids at this age are really stressed out re college etc and don't need another thing piled on, and

3) at least for us, there is no carrot (material is not interesting) and no stick (can't send misbehaving kids to the principal's office, so those kids disrupt the class and recruit others)

So.  Different parents in our group have done different things.

One mom said, look, you can do what you want when you are out of the house, but as long as you are under our roof, we'd like you to get confirmed.  We don't ask much back from you, but this we would like.

Another mom's strategy is bribery.

My strategy was "my mom made me get confirmed so I'm not going to make you.  But I'd like you to go for three months and then decide."

My DD went for different reasons.  First, she got to see her best friend, who was now at a different high school.  Then it was to be entertained by all the boys making goof-balls of themselves.  At times she wanted to quit.  I told her she could; I never waivered on that.

After she had completed a year, new church scandals broke out.  I told her I really had no arguments for her staying in; I just couldn't justify the institutional corruption.  She decided to stay in--one important point is regardless of what was going on at a higher level, our particular church and priests and church families are very well funtioning (not dysfunctional) so our experience has been good.

She had issues with some of the positions of the Church; and I'll get flamed for this but I said that for me, I'm a cafeteria Catholic and I use it as a tool--I take what works for me and leave out what doesn't.  The don't throw the baby out with the bathwater approach.

Anyways, what I really found that helped was me NOT pushing her.  It feels like her choice.  It IS her choice.  We are two years in, and about a month ago she quit, and that was hard for me because we had done so much stuff (volunteering, etc) and it seemed silly to quit when she had completed all the requirements.

There were so many ups and downs.  At one point she quit and told the leader that since my DH is Episcopalian, the whole family was moving to the E. Church. (that was irritating!)

Then she decided she wanted to talk to a parishioner who was a scientist to discuss the finer points of it all.  So I set that up.

I really had to "give it over," OP.  Just decide that it may happen, or not happen.

At this point, it's happening.

Look if your kid has critical thinking skills, of course they are going to question the religion and if there is a God etc.  And as I said, developmentally they are programmed to rebel.  I think if your kid is like mine and is not going to be bribed or cowed into it, then you have to let it go.

I'd ask for three months (or whatever time frame makes sense) in the program. [/quote]

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