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[quote=Anonymous]I've got 16 and 14 y.o. DDs.

At 8 and 6, they were very similar, but a few years ago, they started to differentiate from each other.  For example, before, both liked basketball.  One went way into the athletic/basketball/other sports direction, and the other backed off completely and immersed herself into art and dance.  As one got interested in makeup, the other rebelled against it and then the first got really interested in makeup. One is neat, the other a complete slob. One is a chatty philosophical kid, the other is a quiet, busy do-er.

It is so wild to see how they have become so different, and I believe it is a way to not compete with each other.  Because if both are in basketball, one will be better (and with us, it was our younger).  And if both dress up fancy, they will be compared.  When there is a fight between them, one uses words because she's so good at it, and the other one gets tired of losing that fight so gets physical.  So that one doesn't develop her conflict resolution skills--she is either physical (not allowed) or avoids.

So they are trying to avoid direct competition--this is unspoken, this is just my theory as to why they are developing the way they are.

So one thing we had to do is let the one who wanted to drop 10 years of basketball, just do that.  It was easy for me, but hard for my DH who loved watching her play.  I had to have more than one side conversation with him, that it wasn't about him and his expectations and his enjoyment, it's about her development.

And that is such a big thing, OP...that especially as teens, you realize that you cannot control them.  You cannot just sign them up for a tennis class; they won't go.  You think they should take Spanish, but they tell you they will take French.  So, it's about appreciating who they are becoming, and they are not becoming a mini-me.  And for moms, this can be surprising, especially if they happen to look or act like you.

My older one really started to give me difficulty when she was 13.  Sass, smart mouth, backtalk, defiant, not cleaning up, etc.  So many things, omg.  Our relationship was getting worse and worse.

At one point, I was mad at her often, every day.  Mostly about the mess, in particular, she'd trash my bathroom.  I was demanding that she come clean it ("I WILLLLLl!") and she was never doing it.

I realized that if I just gave up, I would be happier, and if she grows up to be Pig-Pen, fine.

And after I gave up, and every day or so just calmly said, "try to clean up the bathroom when you are done," at some point she started doing it.  It was my breakthrough eye-opener.

Her room is still a mess, and she really is a slob, but I just decided, with the exception of her room which goes uncleaned, I will be the maid.  In three years she'll be gone and it won't be my issue, and in the meantime we have a much better relationship.  And I'm not going to have high blood pressure over it.  It's self-care to drop these little things that aren't serious in the end!

To that end, while in the throughs of my hard time with her, DCUM recommended a book, "yes, your teen is crazy!" which was the best advice ever.  First, it was easy to read, and second, it changed ME, not her.  And gave me permission to not get mad--to not make a stand about--the messiness, or backtalk.

I learned that teen brains are NOT like toddlers; negative consequences don't work the same way on them.  I had thought I had to stand my ground as the matriarch, but in reality my reaction was giving her brain a dopamine hit.  The moment you go to "no drama," you stop giving them dopamine hits for bad behavior, and over time, the bad behavior goes away.

So I stay calm.  She will try things out on me, looking for that reaction.  The day before yesterday, she shut me down about her upcoming PSAT, saying she didn't need to get a good night sleep as it doesn't matter.  And sat there watching a show on her computer.  I let her be.  Then yesterday after being annoying left and right, she said,

"I don't think I even want to go to college," 
and I almost took the bait, but then calmly said, 
"That's ok.  Just know you'll have to get a job and an apartment. Oh, and also, you are in a college-prep school, so we could revisit that." (not said with any snark--said super-sincere.)

Then this morning, I'm driving her to the bus stop and she said, "Mom, I'm sorry I've been rude to you.  I'm just so nervous about taking the PSAT today!"

So there it was.  But if I had taken the bait I would have never known that.

Finally, I just want to say, that if I only had one DD and it was my younger one, I would think I was the most amazing parent and all these other people struggling with teens are just doing it wrong. Having my older one has humbled me.[/quote]

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