Reply to DD is trying to hang out with a cool crowd where she is on the margins

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Reply to "DD is trying to hang out with a cool crowd where she is on the margins - how to steer her to others?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Is there an activity or sport she can get involved in that will give her a set group that she will spend time with often?

My dd’s core friend group took off in a social climbing direction that she didn’t want to follow in junior year. Once she formed a new group of friends, she was so much happier and so much herself. [/quote]

This, OP, but don't force an activity on her; tell her she can pick whatever she likes and you'll pay/transport. Don't leave it to her to do all the research, though, because that will overwhelm her--help her find some classes/activities/volunteering etc. by looking with her at listings at school, rec center, etc.

Do not even hint that "this is to help you find new friends" because that will turn her off and drive her away from you and from the idea.

Do not expect that an activity will mean she's suddenly (or ever) getting social invitations from new friends at that activity. If she does, great, but don't expect it or talk it up to her. She needs to want to do the activity for its own sake and find that doing it satisfies her and gives her an identity beyond "girl on the fringe of this social circle." She needs to see herself as good at something that is for her and about her. She's currently judging herself based on how these other girls see her as not worth inviting places. Get her to start seeing herself as the person who is good at art or enjoys music or loves programming or whatever. She doesn't have to be a superstar; she just has to have a real interest.

My DD has an extensive extracurricular (not a sport) that has helped her a lot; it has nothing to do with school and no one from her school participates, so it gives her people who know her as a person who's into that, like they are. It can build confidence because even if stuff at school is crummy at times, she knows who she is and doesn't feel she has to please any particular social group there.[/quote]

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